Tuesday, September 17, 2013

like sewing wind through solar flares

I feel like I am splintering...fracturing.  I am tearing apart from the inside.

And I am pulled and I push in every direction I can.
I try to find something to grab.  And there is nothing.  No one.

There are many.  I see you and hear you all.

but I am still falling.

And I have to find a way to fall without letting anyone see.  Without letting anyone know how deep I am going, how scared I really am, how loud I send my screams out to no one's ears.

I don't really believe in god, but god help me!  if I am not broken, I am breaking myself.  I feel like a star, shooting out bursts of light and liquid metal...

and at the same time I am nothing

I scream into a void

That void was his heart

And I see his eyes in our youngest child.

And I will always make poor choices.  I am a warrior.  I am a child.  I am strong.  I am broken.  I am brave.  I fear I will always be afraid.

The candles burn.  my tears burn.  I crave light and rest and soft breezes.  I have nothing but hard, ragged, rough edged reality.

Just because I am broken, does not mean others should break too.  And somehow, sometimes, I just don't care.  I want you to hold me, broken and naked and crying on the floor, lost and small and afraid.

My soul shivers

So many tears it blinds and binds and spills and tears.  The tears tear me apart.  But in tearing there should open a door for sewing

Sew seeds for new beginnings...mending cloth with thread and needle....

Needing connection

Connecting with something small.  But no matter the number of tears,
the spools of thread and reams of cloth
This will ever be broken

Strength isn't always in correction
sometimes it is moving forward broken, ragged, and whipping in the breeze.