For my father, in response to your letter

Haunt them
Remind them
Of what they've done

A ghost

Carries the strongest truth sword
Because she is already done
With chaos and bullshit

You did
Abandon us

At 17 you told me
With your mouth
That you left us there
On purpose
To make us stronger
Knowing how bad it
Was

That is
Abandonment

And a lie. I believe you tried
And failed

And made a story
To help you feel better

You are kind.
Kind?
No, love. You are judgmental
Distant
Distracted
Detached

You promised me
Ear piercings
A class ring
Help when my first child was born
Support when my husband died

You try and are so
Afraid
Of everything

So broken

I know why. And I do not believe
Your reasons are enough
And there are no excuses
You've taught me precious little
But you you taught me
that

You've never seen me
You've never touched me
You can judge me till time melts
And it means
Nothing

Your genes made me
Our history fills my bones
And sings songs to my sleeping
Soul

There is nothing
To replace.
You
Have
Never
Been there.

Did you brush my hair? Even once?
Do you know the name of
My first love?
Do you know what it sounds like
When I cry?
Have you felt me melt into your embrace?
No? Well, you are not
Have never been
A safe place.

And you certainly did
Abandon me
And my kids
And with that, worst of all
Your family
Your future
Your blood. They will not lose. You will
You already have

But it's ok, here.
Im used to it.
Honestly?
It's all you've ever done

And I have a gift.
I'll tell your ugly story
Over and over
And continue to pass down
All
The healing
I can

I will be the one to haunt them
Remind them of their burdens
And their blessings, all.
We are strong enough to face your
Fears
Even if you
Are not

Blessed be
You son of a bitch

Until you are
I
Am a ghost

Still (For L)

I took some of your pain
It was food for me
Trying to help you heal
I pulled it from your heart
And forgot
To put it down

We were lying together
Side by side
Skin to skin
And I laid my hand upon your chest
And was enfolded in
Black

I do not believe you wanted
To let it all go.
It has become your shroud.

I have a secret for you, though.
You are not dead

Your shadow, she broke me
I have practice being broken
And still

Still I have struggled to breathe
Because you would not see me
You would not feel me, though I let you
Touch me.

How many nights
Did we lay upon upon my bed, you
Nibbling my belly ring?
Laughing and touching
Becoming
Something beyond
Who we are in the flesh

We always have choices.
Our souls were never
Merged and still
Still it hurts. For love
She knows no rules

And I loved you. Love you
And release you
Not because I want to
But because wanting you
Is killing me

You promised
In the dark
In the day
In bed and
On the phone
That you would never
Leave

And still, you did.

Even as I accepted the crumb
You could offer
Still, you felt that was

Too much.

Still
If you called to me
I would let you in

Love she is a fickle thing and when she settles
You have no choice but
To listen

I will always love you.
You saved a tiny piece of me
And your shadow, untamed,
Almost destroyed me

I love you still
In darkness and in light

You will always be my friend.

Will you ever listen
And hear my call? It's grown silent,
Or close to it.
And it vibrates still.

You are not alone. And still
I will always
Be beside you.

Battle Ready

I am naked
Kneeling in the middle
Of a shallow, slow moving river
And I stand.

The water cascades gently off
My cool smooth skin
Dripping from my eyelashes
Curving around my heavy breats
Pooling back into
The source

I emerge
Strong, golden
Glowing from within
I release the weight of water
And the dark, sour demon I ingested

I pulled her from around
Your aching heart
Unaware of how deeply
She would seed herself
Inside me

The water warped her heart stone
Entering deep into her cracks and crevices
I withdraw my love, retrieving any part of me
That I can see
And feel her freezing
In my hand.

Nature's bit and drill wedge in
Deep
Cracks become pops that echo,
Splits
Shatter
Till she rains
In small stone pebbles

Too small to retrieve
So light that even this
Slow, silver river
Carriers her shards
Away

I release that
Which does not serve me

And the ancient
Battle Crow watches
As the stones become
Sand

She caws
Calling me
To journey
Deeper:
to retrieve my soul

I release rhat which does not
Serve me

And take a step.
My toes sink, squishing deeply
Into cool, thick mud
And blades of broken glass
Cling between my toes

Another step, silent
Slow
And the crows swarm
Closer
Calling me
Clothing me
In bone, and moss,
Antlers, vines, amd snake skin
Marking my face with mud
Black lines where the tears used to
Flow

I tilt my head to the sky
And scream
My battle cry

I release that which does not
Serve me and
I call to you
Morrigan
That you will see me,
And I shall never have
To walk alone

I am one of many within your Murder

I release that which does not serve me
And I bend my knee.

Letter to my love, on Christmas

My dearest John,

I wish you could feel how much I miss you. How I think of you each and every day. I think of you with small things, with big things...every time my brain settles, it eventually comes to you. You gave me the greatest gifts ever given. You gave me our kids, and the feeling of what it means to be loved.

I haven't always made the best choices, but I'm getting stronger. More gentle with myself. I know that you would be deeply proud of that. And I know you'd be grateful that I'm building a community around me and the kids that is filled with love.

The kids are all in therapy. Neil and Aiden are on meds and it is making a huge difference for them. I imagine you could feel their pain, even just as the energy around us. I also imagine you know I'm working on supporting them as they grow.

I wish like HELL that I could curl up in your arms again, even just one more time. Please know that no matter where I go or how long I live without you beside me you are always, ALWAYS, in my heart.

I hate that you are gone. I'm so damn honored that you loved me till your dying breath. Even if I find another to love, know that I will love you till mine. I miss and love you more than ever. You are part of my soul.

Merry Christmas.

With all my love, now and forever,
Sabrina

Sleeping alone

All that work
That long, rocky journey
Fire and ice, death and abandonment
And digging out of
Years worth
Of built up debris
And
Your reticent hand was there
To grasp
You helped me pull myself out
But
You pushed me back in
Accidentally?

And like a cat
You used your back legs
To bury me deeper with your eyes
Averted

I lost my own game
Thinking I could love and
Survive, again

Fireballs come quietly
In refusal to connect
And destroy as fiercely
As a tornado

Pulling me on and spitting me
Out
In pieces
That are a new puzzle to put
Back together

When you accidentally stole
Some pieces

How can I ask you
To let go of me
When you never meant to take
Any
Of
Me

I still
Sleep alone.

Dim lights, faded friendship

"At the darkest moment comes the light"
And I am waiting.

(It was the quiet soft moments
That made me want to. Against your
Spoken,warning words.
Your lips, a sweet secret elixir
For scars I had forgotten existed)

Unlocked and still he stays inside
Fighting off even "foes" who come
As friends
Laying down daisies, shiney rocks,
Magic beans, their own wounded, naked bodies
Defenseless.
As he watches them from a distance wondering what
Is wrong with them, lying there
Undefended? How could they
Let their guard down? He even told them
Not to

So you attack, gently at first, just enough
To wake her
Teach her
Make her
Defend
Protect

As if she, I, didn't already know these things,
Carved into the marrow
Of my myriad broken
Bones

I cannot change who I am
You, you have decided you
Will not

On your own...cold, detached, crumbling into an
Internal furnace of infinity.
Emptiness is your choice
Your safe space
And guilt
Is wiped out
By the myths you create

The story spell webs you spin to suspend yourself in
You can blame it on me
For asking or offering
Too Much

Yet you
Are the weaver of words
The digger of this death knell
Echoing well
in which
You drown yourself
Over and
Over

A darkened death not even friendship
Can survive.