Alternating- Where Am I?

It hurts

Growing and breaking
Seeking and running

I think
I have no
Me
To be

Invisible wanting to be all
That you can see
Refusing and begging

It hurts

Like a mummy in a trunk
Dried and hollowed
Without even a lipstick

Bending and stretching
Hiding and fighting
Melting
Condensing

It hurts

If you come too close
I cool to condensation
And find I am
Discovered
Undeserving

Laughing and crying
Dying and living
Running, accepting

I think
I have no
Me
To be

It hurts.

Flaming Whit Oak, dancing

Dance me to the end
Of love, he sings
And I'm folding into this song
Knowing the song we
Could've sung (and oh! I think we could have
Sung!)
Requires more dancing and fewer
Tears
Less fire.

After all, you
Warned me. And the end
Of love is never easy.
Clean. Quick.

So I sit shrouded in burgundy outside
And in. It warms my belly
And my body.
You

Did that, too. And I don't think
You know.

Last night I dreamt
Of you. I was leaving
To the tune of a flaming old guitar
There was beauty
So much
Beauty as you filled out a list
Of all the food you wanted me
To leave with

You did didn't you?
Want to dance me to the end?

I just wanted to say
Thank you.

Just

I just am
Here
Tired
Drinking
Smoking
Growing
Crumbling
Replanting

I just am
Tired
Strong
Building
Afraid
Confused
Lost
Brave

I just am
Walking here
Beside you.
All
Of you
None of you
Tangible

I just am
The wind
The rain
The tears
The grief
The sandstone
The daisy

I just am

Becoming

Do you ever just close
Your eyes
Rest your head upon your fingertips

And fall into the deep red
Spots that dance and grow
In the out back black behind your melting mind

And fall into the deadest
places that fill the featureless pit
That once wore dresses
And danced with
Your soul?

Can you breathe there?
Do you choke
On the smoke of burning bridges
And charcoaled chunks of
Old loves clothed in dying dreams?

I am Queen there.

I descended several years ago
Face down fallen
Directly in the dirt
And crawled on bloody knees
Fumbling along trying to find
My way

Handholds crumbled, passages blocked,
Raging rivers crossed till I found my way
Back to the beginning
3 times around, now. And NOW

Now I know the taste of dirt
I grind the grit between my teeth
I am shrouded, now, half
Naked in a blood red gown so deep
It is black
If you squint
My hair is unwashed and wild and
I wear a skull necklace strung on
Ligament line wire
Dripping dried blood upon
My decolletage

I am a fearsome sight
Inside this sacred space.
Bare feet and broken nails

If you need protection
You may hide beneath my jagged hem.

If you come to steal
Or lie, to stab or even
To offer only half of what you are
Beware:
I carry a poisoned sword sharpened
Upon the curve atop my
Broken heart
And
I
Bite

Hoping

Hope
He is a four letter word, so gentle
And with so many sharp hard teeth
You think of him
As the clouds fly past
A bright blue sky and red brown leaves
Dancing their dying waltz

Hope
Need not exist
When things are going well
In happiness and sunshine. Instead
he is the rope that you cinch around
Your waist when the path
Disappears beneath your feet

You are not responsible for your trauma.
Full stop.
And hope, he is meant to be reaching down
Into the deep darkness
An outstretched hand
A beacon. A lighthouse

But, he bites

Knowing when
And how
And maybe *if*
You should take his hand
Is an essential skill
That no one teaches well.

So you sit
In the dark
Waiting
Wondering