I've been herewe

 Hi

Grief is so weird. It never ends, ya know? And it changes bit stays the same. 

I'd like to share some things I've written.

FOR JUST A MOMENT...IT'S WORTH IT

When you hear it

Can you see?

When you Fear it

Can you feel? 

The wind 

She sings And screams 

Dances and drums

While the moon

Fades from 

Silver

To red

To orange and magic

Inside corset colors

Of lace and frustration 

Nothing gets 

Deleted when healing

Is on the line 

Listen 

It's harder than you think 

Ask

Because that too takes

Lakes of strength 

We are woven 

Together

A tapestry

Of human and ape

Chimp, chalice,, tortoise, maple, mica 

Erosion both breaks and builds 

Time is the gift

Our children struggle with

The barrier that bars us from seeing

Easily

Our hope in fruition 

And time 

Is the 

Thing 

That lets the roots

Grow too. 

Let Time 

Rumble

In your bones 

When you hear it

Can you see?

When you Fear it

Can you feel? 

When you wonder

Can you wait? 

Can you? 

INVISIBLE

I never
Is a game
Many of us have played
Hoping for a glimpse
Into the sexy
Parts
The hidden parts

And then
There is the pain place
Of
I'll never have

A room tinted green
Shameful and invisible
What did you do?
A question that bends
In on itself
Because so often

It's nothing

I didn't do it
Right

They cannot
See

FALLING

I never
Is a game
Many of us have played
Hoping for a glimpse
Into the sexy
Parts
The hidden parts

And then
There is the pain place
Of
I'll never have

A room tinted green
Shameful and invisible
What did you do?
A question that bends
In on itself
Because so often

It's nothing

I didn't do it
Right

They cannot
See
Me

Trust is hard
Hope is hard.
And even when you make
The hard choices...

You can still be
Invisble

FALLING

Do you know
How quiet the deep is?
We make believe so much,
Tip toe through the sore spots
With our screams swallowed
And strangling us

We are the ones
Left Behind
And we wonder
How do you turn the sound down
When there is none?

We walk
Like you do
With our secrets stuffed
Deep down
Chained to an Emptiness
So heavy
Our limbs bend in broken ways

But quietly
A quiet so deep it silences
So much around us

Like snow, it blankets our world
Swallowing foot steps
Tears
Hopes

Do you know
How quiet the deep is?

They say it's better to have loved
And lost
Than never to have loved at all but
What about the walking
After?

For years. Without.
Holding so much of it
In

Whispering
Always whispering
So loud
The tears tremble themselves dry
Before even
Falling

QUESTIONS 

When I was young
It was wondering
Why they fought
So
Much

Then it was
Where is he? Why doesn't
He wasn't to talk to me?

Then it was wondering
Where I'd go
Who I'd be
Who would
Stand
Beside me

Time turned
And I walked
In the woods
In college corridors
Wait staff hallways beneath
Restaurant buildings

So many
Lovers
Cigarettes
Tears
Lessons
Poems
Books

When you are widowed
Too young (what age is old enough? )
Your questions
Bend

It's about how
To get through
Not just day to day
But despair to hope (because there are kids)
Hurting to healing
Hating it all
To

Embracing
The pain
Because that blood
That rage
That
Fear

He has a name
The name is
Having Loved And Lost

And there's verses
And books
And songs
Lives
Written about
Him. Her. Them

Here's a secret:
The answer looks like nothing
You've ever
Seen

No matter what you've
Read
Written
Done

It's bloody footprint
After stupid mistake
After gorgeous victory

And it doesn't end
Till you do

Because their father
Is gone
Your best friend
Is gone
Your love and hope and future
Is gone

At least
How it was all almost
Written.

So.
The next one is about
How do you find the will
To not just breathe
Again

But how do you
Find a way
To live

Again

Me

Trust is hard
Hope is hard.
And even when you make
The hard choices...

You can still be
Invisble

Alone In A Hospital...please

 Alone

Is an interesting feeling
It can be
So
Empowering

When you learn to ski
Alone
Laughing at your attempts
To fall, done only
So you can practice getting up.

Dinner and a movie
Alone
And drinks with
A book and notebook

And then, again,  Alone
Is quite
Large

When you walk the corridors of
A sleeping hospital
Leaving the father of your children
Slowly dying in a narrow bed with white sheets
And blankets warmed by
A machine
Your breasts full and aching
Dripping milk
For the babe who will grow up
Without him

Without anyone
But you

Because of
Nothing

Because nothing makes sense and nothing
Is planned

And after an eight year eternity
There isn't one voice
One heart

Other than yours

To care when your sunshine
Goes under the knife

And no.  It's not cancer. Not this time.
Probably.

Alone shows you just
How loud
Emptiness
Can
Scream

I don't like it here
And that's
Irrelevant

Alone
Is an interesting feeling
I'm ready for something
More boring

If So

 IF SO

I.

Could you

Believe that what I want

From you is actually

For you? 

I hope you

Let go

So you can hold on

Better to what is living 

Because if you hold on too

Tight in awkward places

It stops 

Being safe 

Can you see 

What you gave me 

Is something I also hope I gave

To you? 

Space

Time

A pause where beauty lived

Passion and, accidentally, hope...

Meant not just some thing but

Everything 

Can you engage your brain, but not alone

Sewn

tightly to your soul

Your bone... so tight it

Makes the light come through 

Even if you couldn't believe before

Can you

Now? 

Because then

It's worth it 

II. 

WORTH IT 

A bit better 

What is it

That you want... 

To be?

As you walk Barefoot, on fire

Through the woods dripping

With river water? 

Who even

Are you? 

I'm

Not sure, yet,

48 years in

But

I like when bugs 

Land on me

When children 

Smile at me

When old white guys

Let me hold the door for them 

(Without rolling their eyes)

I like sexy, scary, twisted stories

Spicy chips

And falling asleep

Fast 

Can you see

That what I want from you

Is what you've given me? 

Passion 

Hope

Yes, some pain. This one really is

What is, and also

Connection. Sight. When we were

Invisible 

I want the kind of vision

That doesn't spit 

On you

But spit polishes the mirror

So you can SEE 

y o u r 

I n c r e d I b l e

Worth 

Not just for me but

Because then, it

Was.

Grastoff Green Song

 A LESSON OF LINES

A.K.A ART

For John, the father of my friend Irene

A bard sings songs

Of far away lands

Of magic and of justice

And a green fog falls 

Softly 

from a velvet sky

A tiny light

White-blue blurry

Silently illuminates

A spotlight on

A memory moment

This One curls onto the couch

Cuddles into the corner sighing

Softly down to slow

Realizing their water 

Is just

Out of reach and a silent look

To That One, already settled when spurs

A small sweet movement

Without a blink, That One gets up

To deliver the tumbler of hydration

And the memory moment fades

The white-blue blurry light highlights a

Blossom of growth billowing through

A delicate deer skull 

Embracing a dancing, entwining

Spiked vine of maroon red roses

His troubadour song spins the green fog

Faster

And there is a return to

Here

Now

His deep voice sews words in

Your heart

And what you hear

Is one

Small phrase:

The small things

Words that ring a crown

Of lavender and daisies

Tied together as they twine

Through white gold rings

Chainmail too soft

For the battle field

And sparkling with magic 

Green purple white yellow

The stars are brought down

From everyone’s heavens

To dance around your dreams

When you slow, bow, breathe

And look around

The end, the beginning, the small steps in between

The twelve strings shudder as his song

Comes to an end

And the notes fill the void

From finger tips 

To hearts and lips

That sound is proof 

That we are one with

the purple pink teal sky blanket of Aurora’s light

The spider web wilting 

on the corner of the porch

The crows floating above 

circling bare branches

The river swirling and tumbling

over smooth stone

Woven and held together by

Lines we cannot hear and notes

we’ve never been able to see.

A Witness

 I think I learned things….

I learned a way to be patient

That didn’t require leaning on the phone

It is a breath...a step...a focused

Choice

As is

Letting someone in

I think I learned

That things which bring me

Only Me

Joy, also have a deep value

It is not my job to comfort            only

The pain of 

Others 

I learned you need to want

To try

Like an addict needs to want

To heal

Like a racist needs to want

To see

My soundtrack is missing

These long lonely months

I have so few tunes bubbling

Aong the stream of my consciousness

Touch

Is rare

Belly laughs

Nonexistent

Other flesh sensations 

    A bit         beyond buried 

I learned you need to hear

I learned you need to be able to hurt

I learned you need 

To

Be 

      Brave

If even barely baby steps

Are 

Gargantuan

From your vantage point

I think I learned things…

And wonder what about that

Matters

If no one will listen

And then

I wonder

What if you were the voice 

Of the Mother

Who birthed the beginning of

Us 

All 

Unable to share

Unable to prevent

Able only

Beautifully, bleeding along beside us,

To witness

To listen

To both cry and laugh

Alongside us

The River’s incessant, gorgeous

Chatter

The silver smooth voice of birds in

Song

The rustling, gentle rattley 

Whisper

            Of the wheat 

The ice that 

Clinks as it strikes frozen 

Wood 

The sheep that

Bleat a chaotic

     Beat into the night song

If nothing else

To have that,

With someone safe

Watching.