Accepting isn't the same as giving up...or as ending.

I miss things so small
Saying how much I love my kids
Knowing someone is watching
Behind the curtains
Feeling it all just as much
I look right to see the complimentary smile
And find only an empty rocking chair.
The nights are so damn long
Quiet
Strange
Soft in all the wrong places
Missing moments of hard and
Times of touching a togetherness that
Only couples have

I watch you, who do not know what you have
And ache
Because no words will work
To explain the empty
That could be
Around every corner
That awaits us all
In every moment
Whether our not our eyes are open
We all come here...

I just miss your face splitting smile
Your almost squeaking laugh
Side splitting squeezing tears out
Because you always knew
The value of a laugh

But the train calls and the cars pass
We have an incredible amount of crickets
The deck is almost finished
My hand clasps on nothing
I have no shoulder to rest my head on

I have moved somehow beyond mad
And made a home near empty.

Message

The message
Isn't that the left side
Of my bed is cold

The message is that at one time
It was warm

What right have I to
Any moment of sorrow
That feels endless
Sorrow, yes
But ending in
A memory

A silent film moment of
Squinting eyes in a photograph
Looking deeper than the ocean depths
Seeing fears and fat and flawless imperfection

Yes
My eyes burn
As does my heart
But I have a message

I have the marks a mind makes
On you when you are loved
I am not who
I was
Nor will I ever be

And the holes left here
Are not the barren chasms
Of mine field battles

They are acid burns
From tears shed inside
Connection. Salt unkissed
Can burn as surely as sun rays
Licking uncovered arms and nose and cheeks

I will wear my holes and burns
Badges of battles won
Through loss
And dance down dirt pathways
On bare and filthy feet

Forget a hand to hold. I know these
Moves myself.

And will always reach out
For your ethereal invisible essential
Self that floats
Forever
Beside me.

My message is
I may sleep alone
But I will never dance
Without you.

continuing saga??

So. It is October again. The month of diagnosis. Last year, people said not to dwell on the "minor" milestones...which I hear. I don't agree that any dates this month are minor.

Regardless, I suppose I am doing better. I am aware that I am healing because I am starting back into routines that used to be easy, or at least things I didn't even think about, like reading to the kiddos every night. The strength for some of that "standard" stuff just wasn't there. It wasn't any sort if discernible weakness. It was just a wall. It got to a certain point in the day, and I had no more "function buttons" to access.

I guess that, as this becomes clear, I am able to notice other places where I am becoming aware and able again, as well as the other walls that still remain. The odd thing, however, is the lack of definition. I sort of see the walls. I definitely feel them. Yet I have no idea what they surround...what they are blocking. I can make guesses and those guesses are likely pretty close to the truth. Except whatever truth might have begun in those spaces could have morphed into anything this past year and 5 months...

I used the word "bored" tonight. I hate that word. It is the nails on the chalkboard of my soul. But there it sat, grinning like the Mad Hatter, drooling and hopping on my chest. I have some book ideas and now that I got paid, I can download them to my kindle. I watched one of my shows. I noticed a buzzing empty where inside parts of me used to be. And I just sat and stared into space. I even cleaned a little...sort of...

I remember how things used to be before John and I feel confused. I worked, I read and saw movies and went to bars alone... I went out and searched for connections. I volunteered or just did stuff. I do stuff with my kids now...we go to festivals, the library, the park, the mall to hit the play area and get DQ...we are planning a hike or drive to Shenandoah and the pumpkin patch. But most of this is to give joy to them. I get joy vicariously, but it all still leaves me quite empty. A confused sort of empty. I am not sure I am explaining this well. I suppose I just feel like a long time underlying purpose to my life before was a longing to find this person to connect with...and now...now it's like I just search for momentary pathways to smiles, which enable one foot to land in front of the other because I just don't know what else to do.

I thought I wanted to date...to find connection again. In retrospect, that's kind of funny. I reached for any hand to hold, for any way to feel connected, not alone...the alone of being a widow, of being without him, was more terrifying than any bad choice I could ever make...that's how it felt. But my last date was such a foolish grasp at hope with my eyes closed that it felt as if the universe sucker punched me while drenching me with ice water and stabbing me with shallow daggers in the kidneys. Seriously. The risks I took in one day, with my body and my life and my kids...it was beyond dumb. We were lucky to the moon and back that nothing worse than an accidentally stepped on laptop resulted.

So here I am. Tired, but not sleepy. Bored. Numb. Trying to make some healthier choices, for my body and my heart and my family. Trying to move forward slowly while searching for a way to unstick the stuck feeling that pervades my heart. Trying to keep on trying.

And so it goes.