Cecilia Justine

When I close my eyes

I see you

And I see the dream

Of all I hope for you

Our tiny family

Danced

In the doctor’s office

When your nascent bottom

Sat square upon my belly

Showing us

For sure

You were a girl

My dream and my greatest fear

For I was raised by our women

I saw the power and pain

Of our women

We are women

 With wings, yes

And claws and

Talons and passion

And so

Much

Power


Like superhero lore

That power and passion

Comes paired

With layered lessons

Of responsibility.


Innocence ignited and

Ignored

Survival buried

The kindness

Abuse strangled

The hope

Trauma tortured

The tendrils of love


I got no stories from our women

I got name calling

Fear

Judgement


A beautiful 2 year old

Laughing and haloed in the Texas evening sun

“She’s so pretty, we’ll need to get her on birth control before she’s 12”

Stupid statements said without thought

And the trajectory of everything twists, tilts, and spills

Till it is MY turn

And Hell No.

I see you, judgement. Walk away.

I will hold her in my arms and soothe her screams

I lay beside her crib

My face pressed against the bars till I have imprints

For she will take no lovey object other than me

Hell NO is my response to past patterns.


You will own your own body

And find power in your voice alone

And I will amplify whatever you need said

If you even need

My voice


I have your tiny thin arms

That snake around my neck

And in their slithering motion, heal

Every muscle they pass


Your smile is as big as the biggest

Crescent moon

Curling around every part of me

That ever felt small

And lifting it larger than love


Your eyes are open ocean magic

Lit by luminous summer moon moans

Melting fear and pain and trauma

Into chances

And future

And fearlessness

Or courage…depending on the perspective


My dear

My darling

You are tiny pieces of me

Echoes of all

Of our women

And really

You are none of us


While all of us

Stand behind you

Beside your

Around you and within you


We are your ancestors

Living and dead

And you are the most beautiful

Imperfect

Stubborn

Feisty

Magical

Creative manifestation

Of no dream we have ever had


Thank heaven I have you,

May I always be worthy.

For I know very little in life as well as I know

That your love

Is the liquid elixir

That fixes nothing

And yet heal the holes

In every part of my aching

heart

And the hearts

Of all

Our women

The story of the Laurel and White Oak Trees

"Keep your guard up," he implores
He pauses in his lip path across the vastness
 Of the space between my ribs

Keep my guard up...

I hear the goddess wolf howl
Outside  my door
The near silent steps of padded paws
hunting

Can I reconcile my journey
Into the vastness of vulerability
With walls and guards, masks and even well meaning
moments of make believe?

When does the swaying embrace become
Softly sudden dancing?

Can your skin tell when the touch that sets it aflame
is igniting a cleansing slow incense burn
and not
a raging, devouring flame?

How strong are my feet rooted
In the sands and soil of love?
Even if they run tap roots deep as the 200 year old
white oak
With a trunk as wide as it is tall
Is that enough
if he chooses to turn away?

Shall I be like the she wolf goddess warrior
Medeina, refusing a partner
Protecting not hunter but
Forest?
Standing solo yet surrounded by wolves?

I know now I could.  I can.

And this is my story
My myth
I write my own rules
Set up and tear down my own boundaries

So barefoot, naked to my toes
With purple hair flaming
And my heart so hot my chest glows
My eyes close
So I can see clearly

I'll keep my walls up only to my knees
my tears as diamond male
Are all the armor I will ever need
Each cascading cathartic crystal
Cleansing every corner
Of my softly jagged soul

My roots run deep
Deep and wide as the centuries old oak
My heart guarded by the Medeina
But she is not me

I prowl with arms and heart wide open bare
beneath my crystalline armor

The questions are not mine
but his

Will he ask them?
If so, what will he say?

I have held death in my arms
And kissed it's dry, still feet
I have looked into the eyes of everything
and walked away, alone

And I cannot answer his questions for him
I cannot, in truth, even get him to ask them

I will keep my guard up
For my guard is my own tender, loving embrace
And being held thus,
I can see each joy as clear as
every scar that sews me and holds me, body and soul,
together
A golden veined tapestry of wood and blood and
root and fur.

I know what I choose.

Always

Worthy of Wanting

Take  breath
To take a moment
To disentangle the tendrils
Of my yearning, thrumming heart
Sing another song
To silence the ear worm's
Seductive serenade
Tilt my trembling chin skyward
To send the tears sideways
To minimize the look of my
Melting heart as it rains down my face

Take a breath
To take a moment
To adjust the chain mail
I will not remove
The sentimental beast whose ion wings
Buzz electric, banging against the cage
my ribs make
I choose to enter this battle,
And all others, with eyes bleeding
Love bits- a true warrior needs knowledge
of where to find her truest power.

Take a breath
To take a moment
To call the silence
The Morrigan chooses her  own
With haunting clarity and pure power.
I am focusing myself beyond
Myself
Connecting and tying the tatters
together, a weaver of grief wool
Into a tapestry of My Strength
The red cinnamon strands no stronger
than Brigid's whisper quiet creek call

Take a breath
To take a moment
And recognize
Who you really are
Queen goddess warrior child widow mother crone
You are one with every flame that ever danced
With every breeze that set leaves to spinning
You are one with every ocean wave and puddle
With the stones and clay foundations
Beneath all our feet.
You are already chosen
Worthy of wanting
Part of it all

Even when  the words
have not yet been spoken.

Even when they never  will be.

Erotic and Esoteric

We met in an old re-purposed church
with purple walls
and a sea green ceiling

You avoided my eyes
Often
With wild  wind blown hair and wide
Open ears

It was a 2 iced tea night
And you walked me home
Uphill, in the dark and cold

We forget sometimes
What our real faces look like
Believing our  masks are our realest selves

Yet in the secret
Mostly silent of my small, cluttered living room
Our masks tilted, letting us peak beneath, briefly

And each night after
Like sneaky teenagers we looked
Embracing, finally, the bits of us that don't
fit in

So much of all that might  be seen
is far beyond our sight, so looking
away makes sense

Close your eyes and allow yourself to get lost
Within our other senses
Skin on soft smooth skin
And tongues as flames darting
Around each other
Pressing our pieces together till
The ghost of you finds its home
In the deepest part of me
Inhaling how poetically our scents
Mingle and mix to make
an intoxicating new cologne

I cannot,  yet, sleep easy
beside you.  Your body is too loud
And my body too starved for what you feed me

Your mind might falter
But some somatic song
Of your deepest soul seems to hear me

Trust me
Touch me
And there remains the alluring
Erotic power-call
of
   yet.


~For L.S.