I finally have some women around me
some hold me in peace and love when I'm breaking
some tell me how it is

and how it is
right now
may be that I am asking every man
who crosses my path
to be the
one

my next
one

One:  I don't want a next one
because that is a new one
and I want my old one
my first one

Two: my first one is DEAD.  Like a stone

Three: I want to try

Four: I don't know what the hell I'm doing. 

Sometimes eyes can bind you
and build a small garden wall of hope
but you
you are an experienced builder
You know not to go too far
without verification

But the hands are soft
the moment sweet

and still
I am too much

I want too much

And that,
all together
is just

too much

for even the best man

So maybe I need to admit what I am most
afraid of...

embrace what I made him allow me
in a way that closes it all down

I can, but cannot
I would, but the world will not
allow me
and within each hope, each fear
each everything
my world still spins

full of

large hallows

and my ineptitude

I keep thinking about writing, but I never seem to get to my computer.  Our kids started back at school today.  Our oldest is in 6th grade, then 4th, and finally 2nd.  The oldest two are latch key kids.  That is something that never would have happened, if John had lived.  I felt him with me today...two butterflies landed on me at our fire drills, and a friend randomly mentioned January 13, which is his birthday.

What does it matter?  You clean up as much of the shit as you can, and YOU GO ON. You fail.  And you fail again.  More than anything else, that IS what life is about.  I am a tiny bit ashamed that, after four years, I am still saying this, but I whisper wish that John could try again.  And really, I'm not ashamed, but proud as hell because that wish is my way to honor the imperfect love we had for each other.  When I miss him, when I feel his energy, when I think of him, laugh about him, cry for missing him...all those moments are ways to keep him with me

I've spent a lot of time over the last several years thinking about how I will need to move forward WITHOUT a lot of things.

And yet, some connections I made this summer helped me to see that, along side those "without" people and things, I have some amazing "together" moments and people too.

Still, the nights are mine.  They are long, lonely, lovely.

always forward, always back.

It’s been over 4 years that I’ve been a widow

I connected with a man.  And he is smart and kind and a UU and

I just don’t know that I can do it.

I don’t know that I can ever try again

It’s too hard to get beyond my defenses.  I am

Terrified

That everyone I love

Will leave…even if they do not want to

And I am over whelmed by the weight of every day life

As much as I love my kids

I want to give them away

It’s not a poem.  It’s a confession.  It’s my ripped up tattered heart

And it needs to be bagged and trashed

Except that kindness comes my way

And I want to honor love

And hope

And forward motion

Every moment of every day

Is a gift and burden

A chance to try for mindfulness

A slip into the oblivious oblivion

Of a 7 year old’s screams

Louder than the light of the sun

A swaying waltz of missteps melted to

Perfect moments

Where the cool breeze careeses my belly

And fish play a bubble song

Just below my line of sight

Where finger trails of symbiotic

Scintillating, circuitous trails

Draw invisible patterns on barely reluctant flesh

But the sun sets

The sun rises

The silence still screams its stabbing

Whispers

And when I surface long enough to look around

Shattered windowpanes still surround us

So we define what we can

We break...which way

We choose for it to be open and not

Apart

But some days

Distance

Silence

Expulsion

THEY are the screams

Without words

That we must (CAN?)

learn

To dance

To...