Saturday, June 11, 2016

A coupe of p words

Three years.  It's like a lifetime.

I still feel him.  I also feel strength, like I haven't in a long time.  I'm finding my way, slowly but surely.

I'm finding it in awkward ways, though, I think.  The things that make me think this are the party/social events I've been to recently.  I'm worried that I don't know how to interact with adults well anymore.  I went to an event with church community.  UU's.  And they were interesting and nice and easy to talk to...and I still hung out with the kids.  And then, tonight I went to a work party.  It was fun.  All sorts of people I like.  I still hung out with the kids, mine and others.

I'm obviously still learning things.  I wonder how I do that in bigger ways, so I got back on a dating site.  Too many people too far away, though.  I don't want a long term relationship.  I am not sure I want a relationship at all.

But I was tucking Aiden in the other night, seeing him at 10, knowing him, loving him...and I realized that I do not want to live only for my kids...or even for them and work only.  I want to have a full life, not for the sex, or even the relationship...but for the fullness.  The ability to see and hear, help and another adult.  I don't want to put the pressure on my kids that occurs when they are all you have.  They deserve better, more...and so do I.

I feel so different than I did after he died.  I was terrified.  Desperate to be seen as a women.  So scared that being 40, widowed, with three kids, so much heavier than I have ever been...I worried that those things added up to me never being loved, never being touched, never being seen as a woman, a person...I saw nothing but work and fear and difficulties and I wanted desperately to be saved.

It seems that I have saved myself, or at least am working successfully on doing so.  Working.  A work in progress.  But I don't feel that clawing need anymore.

And for that, I am massively grateful.

Just not sure what the next, healthy steps are, nor am I sure how to create access to them.  Perhaps the answer is patience.  Patience and perseverance.