Three years. It's like a lifetime.
I still feel him. I also feel strength, like I haven't in a long time. I'm finding my way, slowly but surely.
I'm finding it in awkward ways, though, I think. The things that make me think this are the party/social events I've been to recently. I'm worried that I don't know how to interact with adults well anymore. I went to an event with church people...my community. UU's. And they were interesting and nice and easy to talk to...and I still hung out with the kids. And then, tonight I went to a work party. It was fun. All sorts of people I like. I still hung out with the kids, mine and others.
I'm obviously still learning things. I wonder how I do that in bigger ways, so I got back on a dating site. Too many people too far away, though. I don't want a long term relationship. I am not sure I want a relationship at all.
But I was tucking Aiden in the other night, seeing him at 10, knowing him, loving him...and I realized that I do not want to live only for my kids...or even for them and work only. I want to have a full life, not for the sex, or even the relationship...but for the fullness. The ability to see and hear, help and connect...to another adult. I don't want to put the pressure on my kids that occurs when they are all you have. They deserve better, more...and so do I.
I feel so different than I did after he died. I was terrified. Desperate to be seen as a women. So scared that being 40, widowed, with three kids, so much heavier than I have ever been...I worried that those things added up to me never being loved, never being touched, never being seen as a woman, a person...I saw nothing but work and fear and difficulties and I wanted desperately to be saved.
It seems that I have saved myself, or at least am working successfully on doing so. Working. A work in progress. But I don't feel that clawing need anymore.
And for that, I am massively grateful.
Just not sure what the next, healthy steps are, nor am I sure how to create access to them. Perhaps the answer is patience. Patience and perseverance.