It seems there is an inner source, perhaps for us all. But, akin to the electricity in your home, it has to be connected the right way, or it can be quite dangerous. I realized that so many wires in me have been unplugged, there have been cords whipping around, sparking, burning and cracking for a hell of a while now. And a friend shared words. About how there sure were a lot of "cant's" in my mouth, in my heart. But so softly he said I can. Not just one or two power sources, or power borrowed like when you jump start a car. He reached into my soul and found my outlets. He was calm and simple and clear, and I imagined electrical tape fixing tears in the plastic and copper wires twisting back together. The crazy thing is, nothing is actually fixed. It just doesn't seem quite so dangerous inside me. I still have to find the strength to hobble down the stairs at 4:00 a.m. to help with urinals and accidents and sheets. I still have to find a way to keep smiling and laughing and hugging my little ones. I still have to figure out a financial plan. I still have the voices of my heart and body to listen gently to as they lament being untouched and alone, my "inner goddess" and "subconscious" if you have read the book. I still have to find the focus to clean and cook, read and play, and breathe.
I think I need to plan and strategically organize how to handle certain pieces and events and interactions. This faraway friend who let me hold his hand and cry talked calmly, laying out the paths and consequences I could describe. He talked about taking emotion out of it. Perhaps for me that means finding a safe place for the emotion. To comfort and quiet it while the other parts of me take over, not to be taken out. Sometimes it's too much to remove, so just distract? Regardless, I can see partly down those paths. I believe practice might help guide me farther.
And I will let some parts sleep. I need to find more electricians, read up on the different wires and conductivity involved in electric repairs. I need to refocus on what I already have inside me. I may not do any of this "right", by anyone's rules, I may take too much emotion out, or leave too much in, I may want the wrong things, the wrong people, all at the
wrong times. But I will get through this. My family and I will get
through this. Every single day I will be sure John knows I love him. I
will breathe before I speak to my kids. I will hug more often than
yell. I will try to remember that my inner goddess has needs and
desires too, regardless of what other chaos exists in the world around
me and that this is NOT something to feel embarrassed or guilty about.
Like the panic, terror, exhaustion, mind-tearing sorrow, and fury it is a
part of me and a part of this experience. Compassion for myself is
just as important as compassion for others.