I keep thinking about how we are coming up on four months. That is hardly any time. It seems like a thousand years. I constantly recognize the need to redefine myself...a "solo" mom now...I need to focus on the balance between remembering John and keeping him with us and allowing myself to move on. Neil just came to me a couple minutes ago with his lovey blanket that he calls Bee and told me that Bee is special...because Daddy got it for him. I told him his daddy loves him, and he told me "No, daddy died". I told him that he still loves him, even if he is dead. It is balance again....
I thought about
starting smoking again, but I don't want to mess with my
ability to sing...I got earrings for all my cartilage piercings, and am
wearing my belly button ring again. I am contemplating another tattoo,
one on my arm, that can't be hidden...something like a lotus flower, to
remind myself of the ability of beauty to grow out of muck, a red one
to symbolize love and compassion. Or a buddah knot...
I know that most of us are on the
same sort of quest, I just feel like my whole life has been a journey of
searching for strength and for love.
And I mean from the outside and
inside...I think that is one of many reasons my weight is making me
crazy right now- I love feeling strong and I just feel fat right
now...my difficulty sleeping and whatever else is making me even gain
weight when ever since John went into hospice, I haven't been able to
eat like I used to. I want to feel strong and beautiful, and I know
that I need those things in order to move forward in a healthy way, in
order to find love again...it is so damned ethereal with
me...it is there and gone and I never know what will make either happen,
not really...and now,some old friends have brought
to my attention in a way I can't ignore that perhaps I am actually good
looking...perhaps I was (am??) even beautiful...but I cannot find a way to
separate that from the 60 extra pounds...that is a lot! And nothing I
do makes it go away...and I don't know why I am obsessing about it so
much...I guess I was scared that John wouldn't even want me with the
extra weight, and he knew what I looked like at my strongest, so how can
I believe someone who doesn't know me that well, didn't see me through
that stage, will think I am beautiful and sexy now???
remember, mostly everything is about attitude. believe it, and being it
will follow, one way or another...so I am working on it...
Then there are the practical things. Things like, I need to get a brake light for the van, and haven't. I just found out a tire has a slow leak and I should have gone to take care of that today. Didn't. The front of one of the drawers broke off Cilly's dresser- nails are poking out, and it is not a matter of glue or shove it back on. The wood snapped, and there is no puzzle fit to try and force. It broke. I don't know how to fix it or what to do- do I get rid of the whole thing and get another? It is big! How do I get it out? When? If I do, what do I get in replacement?
And I smiled a lot at people in school this morning...I had to go in and do sub plans because Neil couldn't go to daycare today. Her son is very ill...and I couldn't find any back up to help out today, so I had to take a sick day. Which was okay. But it was another "boot to the head" slamming me in the face with "John is gone".
We only live once. If we are lucky, we hurt and love and change and grow over and over and over again. I wish with all my heart I could have done more of those things with John, but I am SO glad I had him while I did....so glad.
If he is out there, listening, I hope beyond everything I believe that he helps to guide me somewhere that my love and desire won't lead me to emptiness, but beyond it....