Sigh. There is so much strange beauty inside this suffering that engulfs my family. Do not misunderstand me. I am making unhealthy stupid choices. Trust me. I am. But everyone does that, in one way or another. And I am choosing to think, in part because that is who I am. But we also have this damn boulder we have to carry and it is up to us how to decorate it. I mean, Neil told me he dreamed today after his nap. He came up all excited about it! So of course I asked if he dreamed about daddy...and that just sent him off on this soliloquy about bears and monsters and daddy helping him! so damn cute...disconnected....but cute.
And then it occurred to me in real time: I need to talk about John. It took a little while before I could look at the photos I have around the house. Then I could look at them, but thinking about John was just too much, at least to any significant degree. Tonight, while I was changing Neil and getting his evening movie on (I wish I read more books, but don't judge me...I do what I can), I really looked at the photos of John...I looked in his eyes. I studied his smile. I was ok. In fact, I felt blessed to have him to look at, to look over me. No matter what you believe, you must acknowledge that he is not totally gone. I am not the same person I was before I met him and I never will be. That is his presence. Each of our three babies have his blood flowing through them- that is his presence. And John was extra blessed because he influenced so many out there.
I know I will be okay. I do NOT know how. Right now, I am holding onto some people and things that are not likely the types of things that would be judged as healthy, necessarily. But we can't really judge each other. I want to acknowledge that many, if not all, of these things are crutches. And I want to find a way to leave those who love me right now better than they were before, no matter how long they are with me after. I think that is a huge challenge. But I will try.
Another thing I will try: to be a little selfish. In careful ways. I don't feel like defining that. I think it is beyond defining. I will say, however, that my kids in most ways will come first. As long as I can handle what is coming.
In odd ways, I see the multifaceted pieces that make me up. so many beautiful puzzle pieces. But I also sort of feel like I am water logged, worn, dog eared, dog chewed, and missing a few minor pieces. There is still clearly a picture there, if someone (me?) can finish the puzzle. But I see it there...perhaps not exactly like the top of the box. But I see.