Saturday, September 28, 2013

too much sometimes

I guess I have been doing okay most of the time.  Today, not so much.  I don't know what it is.  But after baking this morning, I haven't been able to get up to do anything really.  And Neil decided to take the stuff I baked onto the floor, open the containers, and eat some.  And leave the rest for the dogs to get.  This is after I offered him lunch, and he said "no" to everything I suggested. I saved the banana bread, but the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies didn't make it.  I was so angry.  Completely out of proportion.  I scared Cilly.  Oh and the house is a wreck.  And I just can't find anything inside me right now.  I feel like a shell.  It's too damn much.  Too much responsibility.  Too much sadness, pain, frustration.  Too many moments to mess up.  I screamed that I hate being a mother.  I couldn't shut my mouth-I felt the words bubbling and tried to stop them...I slowed them...and they still came out.  And Neil said he was sorry and he would never ever do it again.  And I just want to shrivel up.  Damn it all.  I thought I was doing so well...I haven't felt the anger for a while...my skin feels hot and cold...not like a fever, just like confusion.  I'm just. So. Tired.  and I want him back.  and I want me back.  I want so many things I cannot have.

Like those cookies.  I really wanted more of them. 

I remember telling John how I was so scared.  How I had to live after he was gone and how that was just so intimidating and overwhelming.  I don't know that he ever got that.  His fate was worse.  I think it is fair to say that mine is harder.  Although I do hate that stupid word: fair.  It never seems to help anyone.

I think I should have taken a nap.  Maybe that would have helped.  Maybe I would have dreamed of puppy dogs and rainbows. 

I still would have woken up and had to wade through the mess that is this house.  I still wouldn't have known what to do with half the stuff here.  I would still feel mostly empty. 

I wish I had someone to hold me while I cried.  That would be nice, in a sort of sad way.