wondering where I am and what I am doing...for example, these long lonely damn nights, right? They aren't longer than when John was alive. But they feel like they last a fucking eternity, no matter what I do. I drink (sometimes too much, but not all the time), I write, I read (not enough), I watch movies and t.v. shows, chat with friends, sometimes I go to bed early and this is good sometimes...and nothing fills the time well. Is that my heart that I am trying to fill? What did I do with the nights when John was alive? Couldn't have been too much more than what I do now. But it didn't seem so empty and lost.
I always want to sleep in, but that never happens. Or I want to get up and not be in a rush, and that never happens either. I feel like I am always at odds with myself. I want to go to sleep early every night, but I want to do something on my own- not work and not kids and not pets. I want the little ones to sleep with me, but I want my space. I want to try to flirt and date, but not too fast, and not really because I hate dating. I like caring and having fun. I want a friend, yet I have connected with many of my real good ones better than ever...none the less, I end every day alone. The kids are asleep and there is no one...
There probably aren't THAT many more responsibilities I face now that John is gone, but it feels like whatever extra loads I have had to adopt, they are manifold and each one heavier than lead. I guess part of it is what my daughter said tonight. We were picking my oldest up from a friend's house and my youngest did NOT want his seatbelt on. I told him if I drove with him unhooked, I could go to jail. Not knowing what jail is, he said "yay, jail!" I told him that would mean I wouldn't be with him and they wouldn't have anyone...my daughter said "Yeah, and you are the only thing we have, keeping us together." Yes, baby, I am the only thing you have keeping you together. And I have a lovely powerful sweet patchwork keeping me from fraying till I fall apart, but it is just that: a patchwork. I am constantly dealing with the fact that it could very well fall apart at any given point. We would find a way, we will. I know we will. But it isn't just a matter of keeping us all together. I want to be well, I want to be happy.
Happy. Funny word, that. I wondered today if there are people who just kind of have happy lives, mostly. I figure true, good Buddhists have some version of that maybe, because they expect, embrace, and let pain pass through. But I know that must take work. I imagine it is more rare than it might seem. Just as hard, or harder? But what about those people that have a decent job that covers their bills, a loving spouse, extra curricular activities...they are happy, right? I mean, they aren't without pain and stress, but still...I have not yet lived a life where I wasn't worried about bills...now I worry about if we will have money to eat and pay rent. I have never lived a life where vacations were a given in any way. I have never lived a life, for any extended period, where I KNEW someone would love me no matter what. John was pretty damn close, but I always felt he loved his coaching and diving more than me. We were working on that.
So, the nights are long. And I wish I knew where I fit in. I wish I knew how to find my way. I wish I wasn't 40 wishing for someone to be by my side, I wish I wasn't a mother of three needing so much help, wishing for a hand to hold and a man to sleep beside. But that is where I am, who I am...and I have no clue where to go from here. Except on to tomorrow.