Monday, January 13, 2014

Happy Birthday, my Love

ah what a day.  I cried so damn hard today, so many times.  The tears were literally jumping out of my eyes.  Pouring.  On the way to work, at work, after getting started at work...the school counselor stopped by to see how I was doing, worried I was listening to music that would make me cry more.  So sweet.  My teammates checked on me to invite me to lunch, but gave me space.  I saw an old friend, who did nothing...I wish she had offered a hug...but it's just another example of how people don't know what to do about grief, with people grieving.  It's okay.  Sad, but okay.  We always struggled to actually be friends, anyway.

I miss him so much.  I have a couple friends I flirt with, which is very nice...but it isn't anything.  They are sweet and care, which is the only reason it works.  I am looking on dating sites, trying to be more honest about how slow I want to go with things...I want to use online to get to know people for a while before meeting them.  Maybe if they don't misspell too many things and actually respond pretty regularly, meeting would work.  I don't know...

What I want most of all, I cannot have.  What I want second, I also cannot have.  So I will find a way to be grateful for what I have...it's hard when you have lost and are lacking so much.

I'm scared for the summer- how we will get through.  I can't think of a job I could do that would make enough to pay for bills as well as for daycare.  I do not know what to do about that and I am saving as much as I possibly can right now...I can only do what I can, and I have to hope that the universe will collide with my need...even if that collision comes in the form of credit card debt increased.  Sigh.

I hope someone hears my writing, reads it, and it helps them feel like they are not alone. It is so easy to trip into a place where we feel like we are spinning in space alone, no one hearing us, no one knowing what our pain or lives are like...but really, we all hurt and hope and dream and love and lose...things break down when we start to believe that our way is the only way...that no one can reach or understand us.

I don't know...I just wish like HELL that I could hug you!

strong comes in so many flavors...so many outfits...it's so nearly impossible to recognize at times.  I hope I am wearing the right colors...I hope the love that surrounds me can help me get through the love that is missing...that I will always miss...