Thursday, January 2, 2014

small new year's eve group of thoughts.

Ach.  A new year, huh?  I had a wonderful week perusing my past, visiting friends old and older (not a reference to your ages, just to the time period in which we were connected!)  I know there is still love.  On my adventure, my heart and soul were touched in such different ways...some seen, some unseen. 

I feel like what I need to do is learn to travel with the loneliness.  The trouble is, it isn't just me.  This whole life of working full time, having 5 pets and 3 kids and being a single mom, a "solo" mom, right now it feels just too damn hard for me.  I know that this isn't a choice, it being too hard.  Because there is no other route, there is no one to pick up the slack or slip into the hole John left behind.  I get to shoulder the part of the load he carried, plus the load of the grief of looking into that hole.

And tonight, my daughter (5 years old) was crying in bed.  When I asked why she was crying, her response was "I miss Daddy!"  That was the first time any of the three truly articulated, in tears, their loss.  I went and got her his favorite sweatshirt to put on, I leaned across her lower bunk and held her, told her I miss him too. 

I find that I am an energy-less fountain of jealousy.  I am jealous that you have a lovely home, that you have a spouse to hold and kiss and fantasize with, that you have help with your family, that you have a yard for your kids and pets...But there is no power there.  Because I also know how blessed I am: to have had him, to have felt his love, to have felt and kissed his skin, to have had the chance to grow our children in my belly, to have had the opportunity, even, to care for him when he was unable to do so for himself.  I know I am blessed to have been cared for by such an amazingly pure, good hearted, loving man.  He was a selfish pain in the ass who couldn't cook, didn't drink, was slow and disorganized at cleaning, who was obsessed with his sports and didn't read.  And I would have been so damned happy to grow old with him, even so.