honest

nothing makes sense.  nothing is real.  everything is real.  I close my eyes and everything I hoped for my whole life is so mixed up...some here better than I ever dreamed, some broken some gone, some torn and burned...and I don't know which way is up or left of back...

Everyone gets angry
everyone is scared.

I feel like I am not one side
or another

how many reasons are there
to be a good person?

most are intrinsic

I feel those

but I want to be a good mother
and life took the man I wanted
to be the father of my kids

now, my heart is floating
lost and so lonely it implodes
on a somewhat daily basis.

I want him there to hold them
help them
give them ideas
I can't stop to think of that
because it isn't there

I want to hold someone
for me
also

I want to not face the rest
of me
however much that is
alone

not only because
that thought just breaks me
but because that is what
they did
but because I want something more whole

I have no idea
what I am doing...where I am going...how I am doing this

but I swear to all the connections I have ever felt
I will try
I will never stop trying
I will
do what I can

messy and crazy and crooked and wrong and honest.