Monday, January 6, 2014

more than anything, I love you John.



What do I have?  I want to say that I have nothing…I am nothing.  No one named their babies after me.  I can't reach for some past, missed love.  I named my boys after my husband’s father and his family, my daughter after my family.  I was meant to marry John, and no one else.  He was the love of my life…but I am beautiful, I am alive, I am here.  John made me feel loved and supported and like I would never ever be alone.  I won’t be now.  I have three beautiful, living, annoying, hard, loving pieces of him.  Pieces of him and of me and of our love.  I know that I can reach others who think I am beautiful… there is a corner of my kitchen where I sat and cried while he was stewing in cancer…I cried so hard I thought for sure I would break.  I didn’t.  I sincerely wish that I could gather the people I have loved here with me…sometimes the pain makes me want to scratch my face.  Sometimes it makes me want to reach out to everyone and SCREAM at them that they are not alone in their pain, their joy, their grief, their sorrow, or their silliness.  I wish I made sense!  I wish I could cram all of my interesting and smart into someone cool and they could just love me so I don’t have to date and play games.  I hate games. 

When John was dying, I TOLD him it would be harder for me….I have to be here now without him.  He was amazing.  He faced it all….he was strong and sweet and wonderful no matter what.  He gave thumbs up and comforted us all when things were fading…who does that???  My husband.  The man who loved me forever, for his always.  That is who.  That says something about me. 

Aside from being alone now, my biggest fear is that I will turn into some twisted, lonely, broken, irrational, fucked up version of my mother.  I wish there was a path to make sure I could tick off check marks on a list so that was clearly not happening.  Nothing in life is that simple. 
I don’t want to be here…to be going through this.  And all I can think is “tough shit, little bitch.  This is what you have.  Deal with it.  Make it fun and interesting”  I think I can do that, but it means riding this damn huge fucking horse of pain…not letting it throw me off…one other little thing that isn’t fucking fair:  I played this game with myself when I was younger…I wanted to be sure I could find a way to love myself when I was alone…I wanted to be whole and strong and well all by myself.  I did an amazing job at that.  And I didn’t find my love for years.  So I knew for sure I loved myself for nothing but me…Why do I have to do that twice??  Nothing is fair…I say that all the time.  But damnit all, fighting through the idiocy of dating, proving to the outside world that I can do it alone…two times….
I don’t pray to god.  I don’t believe in god.  I believe in connection and energy that is never created or destroyed…the energy in me, that wakes me up every day and moves me forward, that is John and my mother and grandmothers, my grandfathers…it is everyone that came before both good and bad, strong and weak…and every moment is all of that…it is nothing and everything.  We are all nothing and everything at once.
I just wish I had someone to hold me at night other than my babies…someone who would be there to comfort me and care for me because that feels so good.  We all need that, to be cared for.  And I can’t help but think there must be something wrong with me that I keep losing that.  I don’t want to be alone.  And I don’t want to whine about being alone. 
But, if there was something deeply wrong with me, John never would have loved me.  So, if I can’t find a way to believe in myself through my own self, then I have to believe in me through John and his love for me.