Sunday, January 5, 2014

helping and fixing are not the same thing...

ahhh. life.  and death....and trying and screwing up....

I am 40, and I finally realized something major tonight
I am a good person.

That may sound silly, to have only just realized that
with some of the things I have done
but it's true
the thought is new

I make bad choices
I flirt with the "wrong" people
I am often selfish
regularly some version of foolish

there are just so many more curves
far more than anyone ever told me about
there are shades of gray
there are levels of love
and hate
and fear and loss and pain

we find our way like blind serpents
no hands
just eyes
fumbling and crashing our way
through trying to be
the fairy princess....

only to find we are a frog.
or a broken doll
or a sweet little something
with only half a wing
half a crown
dodging bullets and punches and swords

meandering through a forest full of
fire and confusion

I know I have made choices
selfish
immature
naive
even, at times, hurtful
it does not
change my heart.  My heart wants to believe
in love
and hope and something eternal.

so yes.  I'm 40.  And I only just tonight realized
I'm a good person.
mistakes and foolishness, pain, loss, confusion and all...

it helps a good bit.
if only
It would fix something.