Okay, I can complain here, right? I hate complaining..okay, that may not be true. I like to vent. Because I feel like holding it in is unhealthy. I suppose that is more or less complaining. But, seriously, at 40, I would NOT expect my PMS to get worse! My boobs hurt and I get crazy emotional for the day or two prior to my special monthly gift. That seems wrong. Maybe that isn't complaining, but "just sayin'"
I keep feeling like perhaps I am in a version of some rhythm. And then I am NOT at all. The car started burning antifreeze, so that is in the shop. The good news is that the coverage I pay for is taking care of my rental car (which is way to small for the kids to be comfortable, but at least it is reliable...it's a Honda Accord), and they will cover the hoses that need to be replaced. However, I need to pay for the system flush, so that doubles my payment as I have a deductible.
On the way to school today, we were talking about my oldest child's birthday, and it came up that it will be his first without Daddy. We have each had our first birthday without John, except for him. I remember him at Aiden's last party. He was in the wheelchair, not doing so great. His arm wasn't working. So I was doing it all still, and caring for him. I don't care. I miss him. I suppose I don't really wish he was still here, forever in that moderately functional state...but I miss him. I miss the real him, and I even miss the partial him whose hand I could hold and whose cheek I could kiss.
This morning, I had to turn my back on the class and cry a little, wishing that just something would be easy. That was spurred on by the car stuff, but really, I think it was everything. And, of course, PMS. Then I cried when talking with a teammate about school stuff I feel like I am not keeping up with. It seems I am fighting constant anxiety attacks. Can I write that up to Valentine's Day coming up and no John? Plus Aiden's birthday soon after, and no John? Ugh. I don't know. Much of anything really, but most of all how to do any of this. Sometimes, when I look from the outside, I think I am doing pretty well...but I judge myself so harshly...we all do, I guess. I have a student who was doing that today, and I channeled John. I showed him the muscle testing thing where you say a name other than yours "I am Tallulah" and I push on your extended arm and it goes down without a wink. Then you say your own name and I do the same, but this time, you can hold it up much better. Repeat a couple times. The point: when you say things that are not true or negative, your entire body stops working right. A skill being hard for you does not make you a failure. It simply means it is hard. It's as untrue to say you suck because you struggle with subtraction as to say you name is "Tallulah" unless it is...so stop. Stop beating yourself up. Hard things happen to everyone, at every stage of life. Admit they are hard, and keep on trying. That is all we can do. No matter how hard the hard is.