Wednesday, October 16, 2013

too much, too real...i have nothing

this just fucking sucks.  I feel like karma has to be kicking my ass.  and I know I did some stupid bad shit, but not like this!  and then I think about my kids.  what the hell did they do, to lose their dad?  it's just so hard to think outside of the story I thought I knew, where I was the lead.  we are all the lead in our own life story.  of course.  except for how self centered and selfish that seems.  and I just keep coming back to the idea that it doesn't matter.  nothing matters.  nothing.  and nothing is real.  and i realized, crying in the shower, that I only truly had him by my side, in a way I trusted and believed, for five years.  he had cancer for the last two and a half or so.  in that small time we did have, my mother died, i had three babies, gained 60 lbs, had my school under review with a crazy messed up principal at the helm...he never stopped being attracted to me...trying to be there for me...loving me...

he sucked.  I need to be honest.  he got turned on whenever I was close, but he was horrible at saying kind things to me.  I literally had to teach him, almost word for word, the sweet things he could say.  He never even really used my name, which was something I have always loved, my name.  He didn't say it often, he didn't type it often.

He was also amazing...he never pushed or demanded or whined about anything I wasn't ready to share...but the long and the short of it is that I did not have enough time with him

And how do I go through life feeling like that was not a punishment?  It was not about me.  okay.  I do get that....but then why couldn't I have found someone else to love?  I loved him, he loved me...and all I want is to take a knife and carve out my heart, my center, my soul...because he is gone.  yet knowing how positive and strong and amazing he was, I cannot allow that desire to even begin to manifest.  yet not allowing it to do so feels like a betrayal to how much love I felt, feel, for him.

I hate this.  I cannot say it enough.

and I also do not want to be alone.

and I hate the stupid idea of having to "date" again...what a load of shit.  I want to kiss and hug and make out, and let someone touch me...and if they can make me think, and laugh, and hope, and tingle, then maybe they can meet my kids...and after that, who the hell knows?  becuase how fucking long will it take to make all that other shit happen at the same (basic) time!?  If I believed in "god", which I don't, this is where I'd say "for god's sake", when the hell do I get a break??

The other thing I keep thinking, is how there is so much in my life, but simultaneously so much nothing.  I am "on" from 6:15 or so in the morning until 7:30 or 8:00 at night, if the kids more or less go to bed without a struggle.  I have three nights a week, right now, where I am doing something for me- for my soul, my pain, my creativity...but even those things are hard to keep up with.  because if I had my way, I would have quiet time to cry and sleep and cry some more and remember him.

I sincerely wonder if that is a good thing to desire.

What I know, is that there is nothing.  There is nothing for me.  I am speaking of me, the Woman, not the Mother.  The mother part of me is doing okay, is seeing the lovely value of the amazing friends watching my babies and being good influences, trying to live with the anger rules, trying to show Aiden how much I love him by articulating that love is shown through NOT hugging when he doesn't want a hug, through random gifts, through tiny gifts of peanuts and being willing to not force him to hold my hand when I wish he would just never let go.  He has to grieve John in his own way and I can't make him fit my heart or timeline or anything, really.  I just need to always be in the sidelines showing him I care.

I mean the Woman...that part of me always doubted...she has been betrayed and hurt and broken in so many ways in so many places...why is it that this is a truth for so many of us?  I watch characters kiss on t.v. shows and my whole body aches for some sort of physical connection, tenderness, love...and I have so much painful jealousy of those who have that kind of link, especially when they don't acknowledge it.

And so I say again...I have nothing.  I feel like just too much nothing.  Not only do I wish I were and miss being the most important thing in someone's life, but I wish I had someone to focus on, to love, to turn on, to keep safe in my grown up arms...I wish I had someone who sought my shoulder and my understanding and approval, support, something...I wish I mattered in that special sexual secret sensual way.

John's love was a gift.  He sucked and he was amazing, all in one package.  I never ever would have traded him.  Life took that choice away from me...and I don't know what the hell to do with the remnants of that....