Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Something to look forward to...?

My homework assignment for my widows and widowers group is to write a list of things I can look forward to.  It seems that the idea is to in I need to understand that there aren't many things to look forward to within this gray cloud that I call life right now.  But even inside numbness, one can think of things that make them smile, focus on them, and deliver them to yourself.  I have been accessing a variety of awkward things that have helped.  Not all of them have been healthy.  And when I think of this assignment, I keep hearing crickets.  But I need to try.  I want to try.  I will try, because it would be like a gift from John.

So...good poets borrow, great poets steal.  Therefore, I shall take the list we were given, and tweak each one to make it mine.  I will make an honest attempt at leaving out the unhealthy things, and the things that would seem completely unrealistic for me.  Even though when I think about this, all of it seems pretty unrealistic.  I will try to let that go...

Read something off my kindle every day- whether it is a couple poems or a few pages in one of the books I started and have not embraced

Memorize an inspirational quote and repeat it to myself throughout the day

Sit outside in the evenings, if even for just a moment, and breathe in the dark

Buy myself flowers once a month

Light candles and/or incense every night

Remember to listen to music when I cook, bake, clean, or fold laundry.  Listen to lots of music, in general

Go to a movie without the kids once a month

(this is directly from the list)Select a picture postcard of Frederick and send it to a friend to encourage them to visit

Watch a movie with the kids, put the computer down, eat popcorn and snuggle.

Bake a special treat for myself and the kids, and plan a time to sit and enjoy it

Send a tiny, secret gift to someone I love...(I need addresses, people!)

Make a luncheon date soon with a friend and put it on my calendar

Pick out some jewelry or other small, nifty trinket to buy myself as a reward for getting through.

Listen to some more Eddie Izzard

Keep taking hikes with the kids

Buy myself a lotion that smells delicious and use it in the evenings before bed

And then I am supposed to have a summary statement.  

I suppose I would like to remember to reach out to friends and find ways to stay connected.  I would also like to do things for myself that make me feel beautiful and special.  I want to try to get out to do things on my own that I have always loved.  I want to remember to savor the beauty of the outdoors.  Nothing will take away the pain of not having John in my life.  But there are many different things that do make me happy.  I am not truly alone.  He would want me to be as happy as I could be, he always wanted me to love myself and to find joy.  There will be a small part of me that is always broken, because it is the link that tied me to him.  Just because that small part lies shattered, does not mean that I need to be broken in all areas...I will find a way through this only if I allow myself to make mistakes and simultaneously love myself for every step forward, flawed or not.  And it will be good to make loving choices along the way.  It will be good and it will be a way to honor the love he felt for me.  I think it would make him proud...