Monday, July 8, 2013

the universe is yelling...

Since I was about 16, I have felt sexy, but unlovable...you might think that could be a good feeling, and it can be.  But not if it is sustained.  And not if you are romantic at heart like I have always been.  It leaves you feeling lonely, dirty, and hollow...for years I fought to find worth in me.  John tried to help me see how beautiful I am but I even doubted him.  And now he is gone...and I have to try to believe in myself and my worth all over again.  But things in the universe are colliding to help me see that maybe I have been gorgeous and lovable and sexy and so much more, all along...

For years, my relationship with my husband has (had?) been twitchy.  Awkward.  No, scary for me...sort of.  I lost weight for the wedding in a slow and healthy way and when we were married, I was the strongest and thinnest I had been since high school. Not that I was ever very heavy.  Just curvy.  When I got pregnant right away we were ECSTATIC.  I was several months along and a friend even complimented me saying she could barely tell I was pregnant.  I was the opposite of what you might think: so upset!  I stuffed my face thinking I WANTED to be pregnant and LOOK pregnant.  Then my mom died.  And one after another all these big stresses lined up and the weight decided it would stay.  I spent the better part of the last 7 years pregnant, breast feeding, and/or severely stressed out. 

Needless to say, I lost weight and gained it back again.  And I was safe with John.  He was completely AMAZING in bed.  Really.  And he loved me.  Even if I had a big belly.   So I figured I would lose the weight some day and even if I didn't I had this guy who could make me go completely berserk and I knew we would find that again someday.  And cancer took him.  This lover, listener, this man who was annoying and amazing all at once, who taught me what it meant to argue and fight and not have your tender feelings move even a nanometer.

Now I am almost 40, as heavy as I have ever been, and I need to see my beauty.  A friend who saw a picture of me years ago, I can't remember who she was, recently told me I don't seem to age...Except for the grays I am getting, that seems pretty true, more or less.  I remember my Nanna was quite an attractive lady.  My mom, not so much, for all the drinking and years and years of self hatred.  When she was young, though, va va voom!!  For lack of a better term.  Seriously, she was a hotty! So I guess I have good skin and aging genes.  And, like the nasty bumper sticker I saw years back in Bishop's Corner (West Hartford friends know where that is), "I may be fat, but you are ugly and at least I can lose weight".  So, I need to see myself as beautiful, just a little on the big side.  And remember that I have built a lot of muscle along they way, as Aiden tells me.  It is the good kind of fat.  He says that when he pokes me in the belly and it isn't too squishy.

This is too much info, I know, but what the hell.  I often give too much.  And how can I remember any of it if I don't put it out there??  But listen....I am a warrior.  I have lived through date rape, rape, rejection, loneliness, verbal abuse, self abuse, abusive co-workers and bosses, and all I want to do STILL is LOVE and be loved...to forgive.  To give and receive...those are the only things that matter.  I believe that.  I always did.  And have always fought to keep on believing that.  When I told my first "love" how I felt and he said "thank you", and when every guy seemed to love my best friend and only want to sleep with me, even though she cheated on every single guy she ever dated, I fought to maintain my connection to love.  That is all that matters.  I am a teacher because I adore kids.  There are not bad kids, just bad choices.  We all make them.  Kids need our guidance to learn better.  Really, adults do, too... I think my biggest sins have really been against myself...hating myself, hurting myself.  And I don't want to continue that...I choose love.  Still.