Tuesday, July 30, 2013

logistics

School is starting again soon...I am having a hard time with how very soon.  I have taught for twelve years and every year, there is this crazy excitement/anxiety that comes around this time of year.  I can't help perusing the teacher stuff magazines I get and I start day dreaming about ways to set up my classroom so that things flow better than they did the year before...I start thinking about how much being in the hallways surrounded by kids still makes me smile and about ways to breathe through the frustration that running a class of 25+ kids inevitably creates...

This year is different.  That stuff is there...but it's more like a gopher head and less like a chocolate craving.  Not sure how many of you get that.  I will pretend everyone does.

I am scared to be back at work for the first teacher day.  I know that everyone is going to have a moment where they want to offer their condolences.  Some will want to hug me, tell me how sorry they are for my loss;  some will want to make me laugh, some will inadvertently make me cry I'm sure.  There will be at least a few who don't know what to say and say so, and others who say nothing because of it.  Regardless, everyone will look at me differently.  Hell, even I look at me differently.  But seeing it in the eyes of these people will be different.  It will make my loss real on another level.  I imagine there will be comfort there as well, though...so there is that.

I am also a little bit nervous about the patience and concentration it takes to teach.  I am not too worried, because love helps you do amazing things, and I love my students and I love teaching, so I am betting on that carrying me through...

I have a totally different decision I have to work on too...more logistical stuff.  I have to figure out how to be the best pet mom possible.  I got Sammy for John's birthday.  We love him very much.  He is snuggly, sweet, a great friend for Sokka...but he hates his crate, and still attacks the cats so that we have to keep a gate up.  Inca and Nonnie never come up anymore.  Plus Sammy still poops and pees in the house.  My initial thoughts are to get someone to come in and walk them.  I can't find anyone.  And I can't afford actual businesses who do that.  So I talked with the kids about it today and I am wondering if we need to find a friend or someone we know and like, to adopt him.  I absolutely hate that thought.  It would be giving away the last thing I got for John...not that Sammy is a thing.  But still...and he always sleeps beside me.  He jumps into my lap and follows me everywhere.  I really like that.  So then, I think about the cats.  I think about how old Maggie is and how lonely the boys are, and I wonder what if I should think about them not being here...

**Also, even though this doesn't fit the topic of "logistics", I wanted to put this down, to help me remember.  I read this quote by a young woman I never heard of.  Facebook does that- shares things from celebrities that you never would have run into following the things that interest you.  Anyway, she is young and heavy and gorgeous.  She said that one day, she just decided to believe she was beautiful and started acting like a beautiful woman.  I think that somewhere along the way, I woke up and decided I was unbeautiful and acted like I believed that.  Till I did.  And now I don't want to anymore.  So every day, I am going to repeat to myself over and over that I am beautiful.  That patience and hope and honesty will get me through.  I will cry.  Smiles will be harder to come by then they used to be.  And I am still beautiful.**