Saturday, July 20, 2013

letter to John

I am reading the book I got at the bereavement support group held at hospice.  It is entitled "From Grief to Memories".  The first thing that was interesting was a photo that had different sizes of circles around a sad face.  You were supposed to number a bunch of stress factors about family and money, relationships, and other personal issues. Anything 5 or above and you color in a small circle red. Then, you briefly fill out info about death and then about other life issues that you have gone through in recent years.  For each category you entered an issue, you color a big circle red.  23 red circles out of 29 total.  Awesome.

Then, there was a page that had you write a letter to your loved one.  So I did.

Oh, Johh-
I miss you so much it hurts.  I feel like a robot, going through the motions similar to life with no ability to direct myself, so I randomly bang into people, walls, furniture...

I am so MAD that you left me alone.  I can't find it in me to be mad at you- I know you fought like a super hero to stay here with us and would have endured any treatment to make that happen.  But I am still mad I am alone. 

I am terrified I won't be strong enough to get through this as a good mother and I feel horrible at how desperately I want to be loved again- to not be alone.  I feel overwhelmed by everything.  And I'm relieved that I don't have to pretend to believe you will get better anymore.  And I feel slightly evil for that last thought.  God  I want you back, whole and happy and playful and healthy.

Who knew "empty" could be so damn HEAVY.

Struggling to be strong, keeping you deep in my heart forever,