Sunday, July 14, 2013

not much

I won't link this one to facebook. Nothing here but pain and desperation and a sobbing plea for help. An old flame reconnected. Being in his current state of matrimony, suffice it to say he confessed this, ignited this, and soiled things....I don't want to say that. I want to say that just like the heart wants what it wants, the loins have a mind of their own...and from back to my beginnings, he owns mine...he trained them initially, and I his...oh, but I am alone. Everyone says I am not, but I am. Who helps me clean up all the poop messes each day, the trash in the living room, throw in a load of laundry, now the lawn, or walk the dogs, or figure out dinner? Who holds me and makes me feel cared for or feel desired, even in an annoying dude-let-me-sleep kind of way. I don't know who the hell I am without John. I don't know how to do this. And I feel like I will always and forever have to do it alone. And he doesn't understand, this phantom from my past. And, really, why should he?  No one does. Because they are not my family.  Many people love and care for me, but I am no one's family. I am no one's heart, no one's love and joy and safe haven...I have never felt more like no one in my life.

And just leave the kids out of it. This isn't about them tonight. It is about me.