Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Take it. Slow down, and take it

something happened today...well, that's a bit of a fabrication.  Nothing ACTUALLY happened.  But this morning, a friend told me she dreamed of John's ghost.  He said he missed me and that he was sorry he left.  I cried so hard I was on my hands and knees.  Not the first time.  Not the last, I am sure.

And later, a good friend told me he loved me.  And it's weird because I know that it isn't John's love.  I know it isn't anything huge in the scheme of things.  But he isn't one of those friends that says that stuff easily or much.  And it meant what my first tattoo means...serendipity.

Right now, more than ever, I feel like no matter what choices I make, I can and will find someone to love me again.  He won't be John. Obviously.  But I know, I believe, that no matter what bad choices I make, no matter how I screw up...I am beautiful and amazing and loveable.  I.  Am.  Loveable.  That might not seem like much.  But it is something I have struggled to believe in my whole life.  Even through John. 

I can drink, I can smoke, I can fuck up at work and with my kids and have a messy house.  I can be way behind in laundry and my house can be a mess.  And, when I am ready, when the time is right, someone will fall in love with me, and I will fall in love with him. 

I have been hurt by so many people, by so many things.  And I hate to admit it, but there were times when I was a shit and hurt others too.  I have made so many poor choices in my life.  But I have made amazing ones too.  I have done powerfully good things.  I will continue to fight to do them, to do good.  Because THAT is who I want to be. 

Right now, I FEEL love coursing through me...it isn't as strong as I would like.  But it is there.  A tiny timbre of a throng.  Tonight, it is a little stronger than the loss and pain and grief.  Tonight, I feel like I won't be my mother or my grandmother, even with foolish choices.  Foolish, bad choices.  I repeat these things because they repeat in every life...because they deserve repeating.  Also, because they are just choices.  They do not define me.  I am loveable fat or thin, sober or drunk, confused or crazy or lost or smart or whatever I am, in whatever moment that overtakes me.

The universe is a mess...it is a mass of inconsistencies and insanity and chaos.  But people need each other.  That is how we are built.  And I admit that.  I embrace that.  I understand it comes in a multitude of forms...right NOW I know I will be okay.  I don't know how long this feeling will last.  But I will take what I can get.