Saturday, February 8, 2014

shatter

Heart break
is one thing...I have done that
in spades
I've loved and I have lost
with the best of them

This.
This is soul shatter
It isn't just my
heart
it's my
hope
my future
my dreams
trust
comfort
my anchor
cracking

It is all
shattered

And I look into the
sapphire blue eyes
or our babies
that make no sense- how
do green plus brown
equal blue?  Three times?

And I ache, a thrumming to my thorax
How can
I be
Him
and me?
for them...when so much is caught
swirling in storms
of cancer
cracking a crumbling soul
and squeezing
tears
from a trembling tower
of broken dreams which,
on any given day,
I might recognize as part of me

Lost
Lonely in a way that seems to Need
a new level of definition
undefinable in its foolishness
Confused
Questioning everything
from strength to health to love
truth
plans

I am
Nothing...

I have
Nothing...

My heart
she whispers these things
to me, so often...my silent secret mantra...
Even as she gazes into sapphire eyes,
so relatively new and so full
of trust and hope

What I NEED
they cannot carry
I cannot get, nor can I expect or ask
of them
they cannot carry it

What I need
are arms
open
so
wide
wide as a universe
tears totally
ocean sized

moments filled with years, decades
in order to find time ungiven, unseen, unknowable
yet needed
in order to heal

Ha!
Time to heal?  please...

These moments inside the ticking of real life time
do not exist
they tumble past
unknowable
unmeasurable

Darling, there is no time for hope
That, my dear,
is what we call
Naive
Foolish

Immature?  Empty headed...

I fought what felt like forever
but time laughs at me
for things,
they keep moving forward
And now...
oh...now, I am tired

Perhaps it's time

to shatter