holy shit, that was crazy. I sat down after a productive day and evening. I planned my ass off for school, or I think I did, and I made grilled cheese for dinner (which everyone ate- score!), walked the dogs FOUR times, did some laundry, gave the kids baths, and sat down to watch my show. I looked at the pic I put up on facebook from my wedding, where I am laughing and you see John's face smiling so brilliant and clear...and I shook- LITERALLY SHOOK- with pain. Feeling confident and decent, to feeling destroyed.
Thank science I have a place to go and type this stuff out, not hold it in. The last tattoo I got, the Japanese kanji for balance...I need to try to balance...but even when you are amazing at that- functionally, literally, emotionally- within the process there must me moments of imbalance that you then make changes to, in order to correct. When you get really good at noticing the imbalance, I think you correct quickly and without even noticing much. But life has been so significantly thrown out of whack for me, in every way, that performing the balancing act that is my life is just not that damned easy. If only my last principal hadn't acted in such a quietly vindictive way and moved me from 5th to 2nd grade while I was on leave. At least I would know the curriculum, the expectations, the types of issues...now, it is just another part of my world that is massively difficult to weigh and calculate. I could have taken back 5th grade. Perhaps I should have.
But I like the little guys. I like being able to hug. I like being their to form their way of thinking about themselves...What that means, on the other side of the coin, though, is that I need to also be much more gentle. Like my teammate says, they are still babies! I have been leaving that out of the equation and it has been creating a massive imbalance. I will fight to reintegrate that knowledge.
A sweet acquaintance at church today reached forward to me and told me I am one of his heroes. He said that my strength and positive nature, that the strength and positivity of John, have been inspirational to him. He is going through a hard divorce. He told me when he was 15, his 17 year old sister died of a brain tumor. He became very self destructive and didn't want to live. I totally get that. I hope he and I get to be friends.
Another sweet acquaintance at church came and sat beside me...she and her husband are two of the significant scientific voices in our congregation. I love seeing them there because of the grounded part of balance they bring. She sat beside me. I cried during the sermon. It was about social justice. It was powerful. I cried because of what our Reverend was saying, because of the injustices that occurred in the past, that still occur, because John would have loved today's sermon, because John wasn't there, isn't here...I just cried. And she put her arm through the crook of my elbow as I sat and was just with me- part of me. Oh, how that gave me a sense of honor and comfort. Just like the openness and sharing of that other person. How blessed I am to have found this eclectic, intelligent, caring community, willing to embrace, accept, and hold me.
I will try to breathe in their love, their intelligence, their belief, and keep on being an inspiration. I am imperfect. And I will never stop fighting to find a way to balance...