Monday, February 24, 2014

note to my babies...

Okay, my little angels…you don’t get much of this now…and so I decided I needed to write to you sometimes.  You need to know that I see that I am messed up and I love you all so much.  Aiden:  you ask me about Heaven and spirits and ghosts…and about chemistry and science and I listen as closely as I can.  I want to hear all your thoughts and help you to think in discriminatory sort of way.  I want to help you think like a scientist who has an amazingly emotional and loving and tender side.  You are my pure magic.  I wanted you more than anything in my imagination could have prepared me for.  You are more than I ever could have hoped for.  You are strong and smart and weird and sweet.  I hurt when you say nasty things about yourself.  I want you to know that I believe in you, your love, your strength, your intelligence.  You amaze me.  All the time. 
Cecilia, you are my magic pill.  Your eyes, your eyelashes, your smile…they are so much girl.  Your features are those of a princess.  Your heart is a lion.  You are so incredibly strong.  You are tough and smart in the most amazingly thoughtful and loving ways…you are teaching me regularly how to be gorgeous.  Because gorgeous is this power wrapped in smart and sweet and INDIVIDUAL.  You know what you like and you fight for it…never ever stop that.  You are amazing and it is your heart and power that make you so…
And Neil…how is it possible that so much sweetness can be wrapped in crazy loud screaming stubbornness?? I thought your sister was stubborn, but you showed me she is just strong willed.  YOU are stubborn.  And when we wake up snuggled, you kiss me over and over, kiss my cheek, give me eskimo kisses, bump chins…you look at me and say, over and over “You my mommy.  You Aiden mommy, you Cilly mommy, you Neil mommy.  You always come back.”  Yes, my angel, my love, my completion…I will always come back, as long as I am living, as long as I am able.  When things were breaking and Daddy was unable to do what he normally did, I had to drag myself out of bed to change your diaper…and as pissy as that made me, you ALWAYS made me smile with YOUR smile and your giggles and wiggles and perfect cuteness.
What I want most for you three is broken in two: first, I want you all to love each other, to be close and there and listen and care and fight and understand that fights don’t break things.  And then, I want you to know that for all my crazy and all my pain, you are the only things in my life that matter.  When I say “I have nothing, I am nothing” I always know that I have you three and I am your mother, I am your homebase.  I want to be whole because I want to be a good example for you.  You help me find my way, but I can’t get there with you alone.  You all give me so much.  I promise to not stop trying to find the things I need beyond you.  It isn’t fair or right to expect you three to fill all my spaces.  Life isn’t like that.  My mom did that.  I fight to find the balance inside my pain and loss and confusion that will hold you all in the light, that will show you all that you can hurt and still be strong, unwilling to give up. 
Always know that you three are the best parts of me and of your dad.  He was a great guy.  I’m a cool and crazy lady.  Right now, I am broken.  In my pieces, I am trying very hard to find ways to let the light in.  For me and for you.  For you…always for you.  I adore you.  You three are my heart, my soul.  I will not always do right by you, but I will ALWAYS apologize when I am wrong and fight to do better next time.
Thank you for being in my life.  I am proud beyond words to be your mother.  I love you all the way to aliens….