Sunday, February 23, 2014

deep breathing....extreme honesty

Sometimes I feel the weight of loss like a literal cross on the back of my neck.  It's been 9 months.  You might think that the time moving forward helps, and I suppose in some ways it does...but really, it is time moving me both further and farther from the time and place where I could hold his hand.  And I want to find a way to make time corporeal so I can stab the fucker.  Repeatedly.  As if it were time, wearing a dark cloak and staring at me with cold dead eyes, who took him from me. 

I had to walk out of church service today because the topic was leaving a legacy, when you know you are dying, how to leave things well...or that is what I get from the three minutes I stayed.  I couldn't handle it.  I went to the nursery and played with my youngest son and a little pal of mine.  And after, at my Chalice Group, I lost it...I just started crying quietly...and another member asked me what was going on with me.  I sobbed into my hands and just poured out, for a brief moment, how hard everything is and how I just don't know how to keep going. 

On facebook, two things messed me up.  The first thing was asking for someone to help me put the items back into my storage room that had to be taken out by my landlord when he was dealing with the leak down there.  My oldest has his birthday sleepover next weekend, and my plan was to feed them and sing and share gifts, and relegate them to the basement for shows and video games and not enough sleep.  Pancakes for breakfast!  But the basement is barely usable.  And no one responded...days went by...my friend who lost her stepbrother wants to help.  I don't know if we will find the time or day to make that happen.  I have to assume we won't and just figure out a way to do it myself.  I know I can.  I just want help.  And I am almost ashamed for wanting...

The second thing was a proposal I made.  I mentioned how I don't have many widowed friends, but I wanted to open my home and ask others to do the same...for games and company and kids and connection.  Two out of the first three that responded talked about how they would love to, but without kids...they even went so far as to suggest meeting a place that was cool.  I would love to be able to do that, but I can't.  That is why I mentioned the "widow thing".  I can't get a babysitter often enough to do choir, let alone go places or do things....that was sort of the point.  I wanted to be able to have company and be social.  Because without a sitter, that just doesn't happen.  I love both ladies who said these things, but good lord it made me mad!  Like they took this idea I had to help me feel not so alone and they made it something that made me feel my loss even more.  I know they would hate to know this was the outcome, and there is a chance they will read this...but it's the truth.

I also feel judged.  I love my church, and for the first time today, it became clear to me that I worry that other people there judge me when I am short tempered with my kids.  And I want to punch people in the throat for that.  I have so much patience...I monitor my tone and my words sooooo often, but I am not perfect.  I am emotional and sad and grieving and angry and all the other crap that goes with these things...and I have no help.  There is no one here.  And I feel so resentful of the fact that my in-laws are here, but do almost nothing.  I know they are unwell, but they could call...Today, driving home from church, I saw a grandmother with a little guy, walking hand in hand with him.  And I was mad...If his parents would call and ask to have the kids visit for a bit, I would fall over myself with gratitude.  If his aunt and/or cousin would offer to watch them for a bit so I could rest or shop or just have a couple hours, same thing.  But they don't.  They get mad at me for not contacting them, but they never seem to acknowledge my need for help.  I'm taking a chance writing this because they, too, could read it...and I don't have a clue what they believe about me or how they would/will react.  But this, too, is true. 

The long and the short of this is I am now alone.  I have three babies to raise, pets to care for, a very meaningful and difficult job to try and do well...and I have no widow's group, no theology class, no choir, no breaks...I don't get to tap out.  And I am trying to do a budget but I still had to put groceries on a regular credit card today.  Even though I am well within what should be my budget.  I don't know what I am doing wrong.  I don't understand any of it.  I want to be strong and positive and honest and real...I want to believe in myself and find hope, believe I will love again...and I also feel like my heart has been deep frozen...my insides feel raw, scraped, burned...

I need help, I ask for help, I get little to nothing...I have to deal with that, I want to be proud of what I have done, I can't help feeling like I am a failure no matter what I do. 

Nice, light thoughts for a Sunday night, huh?  Come and get me, Monday!!