Thursday, February 20, 2014

Nothing and fear and...don't worry, I won't




“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed


For love
Of a bear?
Please…for the love of nothing
Other than desperately trying
To not feel alone
To not feel what I feel
Without you, my green lantern

I don’t like this
I don’t like ANY of this
I want a hole the size of life
To climb inside
Not so I can disappear.
So the pain can

That
Will never happen
I will have to live
Forever
With this pain
Because I won’t let go of him
Of his love of his life of his story of his touch
I may not be
Crashing through underbrush
Using my hands to try and catch fish
Barefoot
Scared
But I am stranded on a deserted island
Just the same.
I have a secret wish
That I don’t ever want to come true
I want to die
I want to be with him
And as far as I can tell…that is the only way
Let my hands become numb
My heart become numb
My soul
Become numb

I broke rules
To make my heart
Feel softer
I stepped over lines
I drew when I was almost a kid
Lines that almost killed me
For real
Lines I never thought
Would be in the question
Ever
Again

I want a hole
That will swallow my mistakes
My fear
But not my loss
My loss is my hero
My loss is the only thing that ties me
To love and hope and some messy version
Of everything
I want to be tied to it all
I just don’t know
If I have the strength
To tie the knot,
To withstand the pull
To handle the burn of it rubbing
Around my heart
I don’t know if I do…
And yet
I have to.