Sunday, December 1, 2013

Hollow

I haven't cried.  A family member was hurt and surprised and disappointed that I even entertained the thought of not putting up the tree.  I think many people forget that each journey, be it one of loss or love, is different for each person.  Her desire was to encourage me.  I guess it worked.  I never said I wouldn't put up a tree, I just said that I didn't know what I was going to do this season.  Anyway, she was shocked and upset at the possibility.  So I was mad that she implied, even accidentally, that I am taking my kids on a painful journey full of self centered pity.  I am not doing that.  I worry about that.  But everyone tells me these crazy things they think I am doing "wrong".  Anyway, anger is a good way to motivate me.  So when we got home, I decided we would put up the small three that John got me the year I bought my townhouse in Brunswick.  I wasn't going to do a tree then, either...the place was small, I didn't have a lot of money only having a part time teaching job and being a Nanny to some super spoiled kids on the side.  He would NOT hear that, so we went to Michaels, I think, and he bought me a small tree.  And he bought me a little house ornament, because I was now a home owner.  So awesome.

Our first Christmas together was so fun!  He told a story about how his favorite gift from his dad when he was a kid was this little remote controlled car.  It died the first day and his dad went to exchange it, but never got another...so I went to Radio Shack and asked the guys there to get me the coolest car they had.  I bought that for him and was so stupidly excited that I didn't know how I wasn't going to give it away.  Watching South Park, Cartman's mom ordered an Antonio Banderas blow up doll that was the focus of the a lot of the episode, so I hitched a ride on that idea....till Christmas came, he would ask or talk about the holiday and I would just giggle like a dipshit and tell him I got him an Antonio Banderas blow up doll!  I remember a couple days before the actual holiday, when I was laughing and saying it AGAIN, he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and told me that he would NOT be very happy if that was true.  I just laughed and laughed....Needless to say, he was totally blown away!

He got me super cute Winnie the Pooh footie pajamas (the old old farmhouse where I lived had no heat and the wood stove sucked so bad, sometimes the toilet water was frozen!), and a purple lava lamp!  I loved it...way better than the Burger Kind Lord of the Rings glasses he got me for my birthday.

Here is my secret, restated...some part of me wishes I could be with him, even though that would mean dying...dissolving my consciousness into the void of all that ever was or will be...mixing with everyone and everything and nothing.  I won't, for many many reasons....but I miss him till I'm hollow.