Friday, November 29, 2013

just a little thought for now.

So I didn't really over eat last night.  But I did way over drink.  And I over drank the day before.  But ya know what?  That's okay.  Because tonight, I am having one glass of wine as I wind down from a long drive, I will watch some silly t.v. and then I will go to bed.  Tomorrow, because I want and need to, I will bust my ass cleaning up, doing laundry, changing bed sheets.  And some people out there will always see what I am doing as not good enough, or they will see me as falling into the alcoholic denial that my mother lived.  They can be wrong, I'm okay with that.  Because I am my mother's daughter, there will always be things about me that are like her.  However, some key differences:  my husband died, he did not cheat on me repeatedly and leave me.  I do not live with my over bearing mother.  I will never deny the possibility that I am messed up, or the possibility of and desire to find love again.  I am adventurous, strong, and I reach out to the world and ask for help.  These are all things my mother lacked.

I find that right now, my insides are confused and sort of numb.  The responsibilities that I have to carry, now that John is gone, feel just massive most days.  I have three kids to raise, not enough money, no family that can be here on a regular basis to lend a hand.  I have amazing friends and a loving community who do everything they can to step in and support me.  But, like I said before in this blog, I am the only one who can truly carry this weight.  I do not give my young son attention when he doesn't eat.  I put down healthy options including veggies on a regular basis.  I yell too much and get too angry too fast, but I tell the kids that I am fighting a hard battle right now and that I will always work on trying to not be that way.  Would you like to know what will really help me mellow those things?  Finding a partner.  Finding my groove.  Time and hope and love.  And even with those things, I will screw up.  Because that is what humans do.  We mess up.  And if we are open to the pain and processes of life, we attempt to learn from our mistakes and do better the next time. 

The difficulty is that life never ever slows down.  And I will just not be able to accurately keep up.  That does NOT mean I will ever stop trying.  I won't.  But I am a good person.  I am real, honest, strong, quite a bit on the crazy side of things, smart, beautiful, and far more able to do things on my own than either my mother, or than anyone would ever have believed, given how emotional I have always been.  But here is the thing:  being emotional does NOT mean you are weak.  I am often vulnerable in ways that others are not.  But that also enables open pathways for me that others don't even see.  It doesn't make me better.  It just makes me, me.

I deeply wish that everyone could see that.  John saw that.  And his love for me made me whole, gave me a foundation like I have never known in my life.  And I will try my very best to build on HIS foundation, not the other one.  I will find my way, one mistake, triumph, and hissy fit at a time. 

Just thought I'd like to put that out in the universe before starting my silly tv shows.

Good night.