Thursday, November 14, 2013

It's been a while

moments go so damn fast.  days are longer than years used to feel.  and everything is just harder and more confusing.  But still, there are good days, where I mostly smile and I actually laugh often.  I went back and read the very first entry I made here.  I'm not sure where it put me, where it brought me.

I want to be someone's favorite.  More than anything.  and I have no idea how to find that.  I'm listening to Sweet Jane...I remember all the lives I have lived.  I feel them all inside me...I just wonder where they have gone, those different times....I am almost 40, and I don't want to be in a place so lost and broken.  I may have already shared this, but some friends tell me I am not broken.  That is very sweet and kind.  It is also untrue.  I am not a shadow of what I was, I am shattered pieces. I try to think about what I believe, and the person I want to be, the person I am.  I feel this incredible gratitude toward so many parts of the universe.  I think about how, in comparison to the world full of people loving and suffering, to the multiverse full of, what, maybe billions of Goldilocks planets, I am so much less than nothing.  But no matter how many Just Right planets there are, no matter how many people who love more, lost more, hurt more, I am still here, and I have my own heart to deal with.  I try to look beyond me.  I want to help people.  But if I hadn't donated to the Malaria site, I wouldn't have been in the negative this month.  I'm not sure that would have changed my mind, because dying of malaria is a greater need than having your bank account in the black.  But still...I need to refocus on my life and my kids.  People in my theology class say that being a teacher, and I extrapolate to being a teacher who loves what they do, is enough...I don't have to spend so much energy on wishing I was giving more, because I already give every day.  But I need to see my pain as small in the cosmic picture.  Because it is...

I know that there are some people that see me as beautiful, stunning...and that fills me.  I think John saw me that way.  And that gives me hope that someday, someone will love me again, if I can find a way to see that in me.  When I met him, I was so happy....I was struggling to deal with old shit, yes, but I was also filled with the joy that comes with finding your calling and getting a job that pays you to do it.  That is a wonderful gift that not everyone realizes.  I know that.  But I have always felt that the goals you meet inside the home and heart, with family, are far more important.  And now, I don't have a damn clue what to do with that part of me.  I get on dating sites, and the men are showing pics of their guitars and their junk in red underwear, or they tell my I should have the profile name "sexyfrederick", and don't say much more...and the ones that have interesting things on their profile, say nothing to my messages...I assume because I carry my baby and stress weight like a badge of horror....but even with the weight, I think I am lovely. And so I feel confused and lost and annoyed that I have to even think about this kind of thing.  Which I don't.  But it is going to take me a while to truly be ready to jump into the idea of dating again, and it seems like a good idea to daydream while testing the waters and  All over the place.

I don't know how to believe.  I don't know how to love, or to love again.  I have NO clue how to trust.  I feel like John was a magical gift and I know there are other gifts out there, but finding them is like going on a scavenger hunt across the WORLD with only three clues:  I am smart, I am broken, I want to love honestly...try finding something in a haystack THAT big with those clues. I dare you.  Yeah, giving up looks mighty good, right?  If only it weren't for that Divine Connection thing, where all I want is to feel the soul of another touching my own soul and needing me...because that is the only thing that matters at the deepest level of being.  And as grateful as I am for the friends filtering in and out of my life, babysitting, helping me clean, laughing and crying with me, because I am MASSIVELY grateful for you, my connections are only brief touches right now.  And what I want is to be touched completely, to be tangled up in and with someone again.  Intertwined.

by Spitenmalice