Thursday, December 19, 2013

discussion of days

my eyelids are tired today.  It has been a strange week.
I turned 40 Monday.
Talked with an old friend Tuesday and swore more than my fair share.
Wednesday, from almost the moment I woke up,
I had a knot in my chest- I spent the day,
the entire day,
rolling around the edge of an anxiety attack...
a human basketball dancing
the spiral edge of the hoop ready to tumble into the abyss.
I would not
allow myself to fall.
I sat quietly and took deep breaths.
I sang directions and statements and nothing at all.
I didn't smile very much, but I did
a few times.
I started to cry in the car in the dark.

People went out of their way to put a hand on me, to ask how I was doing.
Sweet gifts came in the mail from random folks, some known, some
anonymous.  Who does that?
I felt awed
at the love I noticed flowing around me, invisible swirls of color I could feel
like varied temperatures rumbling across your skin
on a midnight motorcycle ride in the heart of summer

Finally, the knot melted.

Today was smooth.  I got a few things straightened out.
I left my classroom a mess, bought silly shirts for me and my kids.
I sang my ass off at choir, made
lewd little side jokes and kept dropping my pencil. 
I smiled often

I walk a line of contradictions
of cognitive dissonance
on a daily basis.
I need to hold his memory close
and cannot look at it every day
I miss his voice
and leave the room when the recording starts...
To find my smile and hear my laugh
I have to close part of my mind and heart and send my soul
out for snacks

I wonder when the easy
won't be incomplete
and when the love won't always
like a hurricane.