Friday, December 6, 2013

Eyes that see me- fighting the right fight

and so it goes.

the things that end, keep ending in a variety of ways.  It isn't about being beautiful or not.  I have spent an inordinate amount of time believing that it might be just that.  But I suppose that is what women are lead to believe, taught it is about.  For the first time in my life, because of a ghost from my past, I believe I finally see my beauty.  I can see myself through the eyes of someone else.  Oh what an addictive and lovely gift.  I need to hold onto that- tightly.  I need to not let it fall from my frozen fingers.  Because I need now to believe in my heart and soul in ways strong enough to believe that I can move forward in some sort of real way.  I just never thought that, once I found him, I would ever have to be without him. 

New eyes on old love
shadows torn and rewoven
into princess capes
mistakes can be reborn
they can be reborn into a life
of beauty and accidental moments
of forced feeling too much

there is hope, then
that emptiness can be reinvented
into something shattered
glued back together
a broken Christmas ball
made into a mosaic

I have been searching for a guide
afraid to let go
and I have hoped that searching
might bring me what I sought.

green eyes
blue eyes
eyes that see me
whole and unbroken
or prysmatic
AND powerful

I am a warrior

I try to understand what that means
no matter what anyone says
no matter the choices I make
no matter the overlap that might occur

I am stronger than that
better than that
more beautiful more full to the brim
of strength and hope and love and learning

find me

send your breathless soul to the depths
of everything that ever could be

send me a message in the form
of external hope
not just the kind
that resides
because only a portion of me lives in there
and in my caverns
the light too easily goes out

I need to wear it, bright and strong and flowing
I need that princess cape
I need to believe in things
beyond the pain

I want to send wisps of smoke
to the four corners
and hope and love to those
who have helped me believe

I want to stand tall enough
to reach the stars
I want to hold
bleeding fingers be damned

put the top down
let me laugh deep belly to my toes
and scream and fight
let my hair fall down my back
while everything opens inside and out

I don't want to break more things
than are already broken
even when there are no eyes to see me
old or new
I want
to believe