Tuesday, August 13, 2013

please don't judge me...widows mess up too



THIS ONE IS NOT REALLY FOR MY SCHOOL FRIENDS…IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ THIS, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME.  NOT THAT I THINK YOU DO.  I’M JUST AFRAID YOU MIGHT AFTER READING THIS.

Everything hurts.  Everyone leaves and dies and nothing ends up like you thought it should be.  I can’t believe what I did with NO NAME GUY*.  He does have great laugh and smile.  And he is married married married for thirteen years married and I went beyond online flirting with him, and wanted him to fall in love with me.  I wish he would show up at my door, suitcase in hand telling me he left his wife.  I wish he would worship my body and my heart forever…he made me feel alive and beautiful and hopeful and sexy and interesting…and wrong…and I hate that I am thinking of him and wondering how much of my thoughts about him are my attempt at hiding from thoughts about John.  I hate everything right now.  I wish I could get sucked into a vortex.  I wish someone would come and save me. I wish I actually believed in wishes.  Or saving. I want john back.  Even cancer wasn’t this complicated.  I hate and I hate and I hate and that is just a waste of energy…no point in hating and I can’t stop.  I hate everyone who is happy, everyone who has never felt love, everyone who still has it, I hate people who think they understand my grief because their mother or father died…JOHN. WAS. MY. LIFE.  He was my future, my hope, my best friend, my lover, my rock, my sweetheart…where he was, there is now nothing.
I thought I was a torn and tattered painting that had once been beautiful.  I am not.  I am a once vibrant canvass, drained of color, singed, scorched beyond recognition. 
My smile is so fake right now.  My son makes my heat melt, but my smile is still fake.  And it fades so fast.  And it hurts my face, in a gentle, irritating way.  My idiotic, selfish interactions with NO NAME* made me smile. 

I hate everything.  I hate myself.  I hate cancer.  I hate hope and love and dreams.  I hate laughter and I hate flirting.  I hate breathing and sunshine and butterflies. 
I feel selfish and short sighted and foolish and broken and clueless and immature and at least partly beyond hope.
Ssssssssssstttttttttttttttttttttttuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppppppppppppiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidddddddddddd
I hate hate haate hate everything
Everything hurts.  And NO NAME* made it stop for a little.  And I want him back.  And I am glad I blocked him.  And I hate everything.  And SOME GUY* even texted me tonight.  Heavy pain loneliness shit and bad things and loss and emptiness……Oh yeah, and fear…can’t forget that. 
*names have been changed to protect the innocent, as well as the not so innocent…not my job to throw stones, because if they were being thrown, I’d be hit too.  Deservedly