And moving forward is aided by actually getting out of the house. Playing with the kids helps. Also, breathing and remembering that idea that I am not only my past, not only my weaknesses...I am everything I have been, everywhere I have gone, all that I have done. Some moments the good shines through, some the bad. So in breathing, I focus, try to calm, and remember to connect.
This journey really is a roller coaster. And I am continually amazed by how much energy it takes to do next to nothing.
At lunch today, Neil made me turn my head and leaned in to plant a long, pizza wet kiss on my cheek. When I reciprocated (without pizza face, but still a long one right on his soft chubby cheek), he smiled and said "you fill ma bucket." I soften so much when he says that. Like a chocolate bar in the car.
Today, I feel like I can do this. Perhaps I won't do great (still away behind on laundry, house is getting a bit gross messy, but the dishes are clean, recycling got out, AND I had the kids brush their teeth before bed!), but I can move forward and calm myself a bit when I am spiraling. I need to remember that last one, so I will repeat it: I CAN CALM MYSELF A BIT WHEN I AM SPIRALING. There. Let's hope repetition helps it stick.
Tomorrow isn Cilly's birthday celebration! I can hardly believe how much she is growing...how they all are. How I suppose I am too.