Tuesday, August 13, 2013

One down, the rest of my life to go...

First day done.  I cried four times before 11:00.  Two times, the tears were tiny; more like moisture on the tips of my lashes, spilling only slightly.  The other two times, I lost control.  First I had to walk outside for a minute and try to cool down, calm down, regulate my breathing.  Then I saw my old teammate from 5th grade.  I always wanted to be actual friends with her.  We were on our way last year, but it seems to have fizzed, at least for now.  But we have shared a lot over the years, listened, supported, encouraged, and had quite a bit of fun.  And she was at my wedding, and she knew John pretty well.  And I crumbled when I saw her.  I just wanted to hug her and cry on her shoulder till I was empty. But I stopped after a very brief moment and was able to get back to the meeting. 

Then, there were two more tiny episodes, quiet, more moisture.  And one more set of near-sobs.  I got a card and a note from a wonderfully neat co-worker.  Her words were so simple, kind, supportive, and loving...I wanted to sit in the corner of my room and rock like a baby.  I let myself have a moment, and then I got back to work.  Putting music on helped, Toad The Wet Sprocket, Lenka, and Adele today...

My room is still a mess, but I got my whole word wall up, my two favorite posters up (one says my favorite flower is dandelions because they refuse to stop growing, and the other says you miss 100% of the shots you don't take), a smattering of other things on the walls, and started to organize empty containers, teacher materials, and text books. 

I feel like I ran five miles, spent an hour cleaning the house, wrestled with a bear or two, and then punched myself in the head for twenty minutes.  Or something similar.  And now the kids have hot dogs and gold fish, squeezers, V8 Fusion and WhoNu cookies, and are sitting in front of the t.v. so that I can find some semblance of strength/energy to get them bathed and in bed soon.  I don't know WHAT I will do when homework starts trickling in!

I could write more right now, but there is literally too much...I just wanted to document that I made it through...