I am so scared right now. I am exhausted. I am numb. I can't smile. I keep looking around at things and I know my face is blank, my lips closed as I breathe through my nose. My vision is perhaps 3 or 4 mm over the edge into blurry. I snapped at the kids so much tonight, but I did keep apologizing and telling them how scared I am about going back to work tomorrow. Aiden agreed with me when I said I figured they wouldn't understand my fear, and asked if I was worried about there being "mean teachers". Ha! No.
But when I enter those doors tomorrow morning, I will truly begin to see the changes that have begun behind the curtains. Once I enter that building on a regular work day, there is no way to imagine things as any different than they are. And each pair of eyes that have known me for years will look at me with pity and tenderness, fear and pain...and I wonder if I will cry. And I worry about staying focused. I want to know what I am doing. I'm glad it's a job that is nonstop, all day. Because time will pass. I'm glad it is not just a job, but a part of me, because that will help me keep smiling and doing my best. There is no motivation better than loving what you do.
But I keep thinking that I am just a hollow woman. I am a facade of what I was, some badly patched together imitation of who I think should be walking and talking from where I stand...at least it is just a teacher work day...I don't have to get dressed up, I don't have to be planned yet, or be "on stage"...
An old friend told me his favorite book today is Infinite Jest. So I read the reviews and figured I'd give it a try. The foreword was a bit intimidating, talking about how it is not an easy read, but packed with language and thought provoking and worth every extra moment of thought it creates...but how can you not give it a try when the Book Description on Amazon begins "A gargantuan, mind-altering comedy about the Pursuit of Happiness in
America set in an addicts' halfway house and a tennis academy, and
featuring the most endearingly screwed-up family to come along in recent
fiction"?? I thought,damn, that is what I need...something to read at night that forces me out of my head, makes me work, makes me laugh...maybe this will be a good distraction for me.
And Choir starts on Wednesday!!! I am very excited for that...the new director has offered to come 30 minutes early to work with people who want to improve their voices...I would love it if I could sing a song myself at church someday...
The phrases "young widow" and "single mom" keep banging around the inside of my head though. Those things make it hard to focus on anything...so I try to combat them by reminding myself I am also a warrior. I am powerful, playful, compassionate, and curious...I absolutely KNOW I have it in me to get through this. But that doesn't chase away the fear or the loneliness. It doesn't stop me from feeling like the color is draining out of my heart, leaving the invisible center parts of me translucent while a white hot light builds and burns and grows to the point where everything inside of me explodes in tiny fragments of light energy, leaving me a hollow shell...and then I wonder if maybe my lights will be like boomerangs...maybe I will explode and shatter, but maybe, after a bit, my tiny orbs will come back to fill me again.