Thursday, June 19, 2014

There is only so much you can do...

It is now almost 1 year and 1 month.  Today, I had a very good, special friend help me go through the stuff in my closet.  The amount of video tapes and photographs was beyond impressive.  He had a lovely collection of Olympic pins and other sundry items...I look forward to putting them in some sort of display.  I figure at least some will go in Aiden's room, others will go in the living room.  I donated clothes and tripods and various electric cords and such.  And the room now smells like John.  I found a couple hats.  A friend who lost her husband about a year or two before John left told me how she kept all his hats.  I didn't get that before.  I do now.  His hats smell so much like him!  It's rather astonishing.

And then there is the fact that I will have my first "date" in years on Saturday.  I think this fella understands what it means to love someone who will always have special parts of her heart assigned and connected to another person.  John is gone.  But I will never let him go all the way.  He is the father of my babies.  He taught me to believe in many many good things.

I spoke with a Korean neighbor last night.  (Made me think of my little sister).  She said a couple things, the first of which was about Karma.  She asked me if I believed in it...I told her I used to, but with John's death, I don't know.  I feel like he was amazing...imperfect, annoying, and amazing.  He did his best in every way with everyone he interacted with.  For some people, that looked, well, rather lumpy.  With others, it was a family type connection.  With me, it was everything.  But he didn't drink ,didn't smoke, never did drugs...and got brain cancer.  He would joke about how, if he HAD been a drinker, perhaps he would have killed the brain cells that decided to go rogue.  She said that Karma didn't work that way...she told me that Karma was the force that brought bad energy back to bite you...and it sent good energy into the universe.  She also said that if I ever doubt myself, to think about how Karma brought me to John.  And if I believe he was good, then I must then accept and acknowledge the love I brought John.  She said that he had me.  And that this was a good Karma sort of blessing.  It made me think of all the things I did for him when he was, well, dying.  I loved that man.

I am thinking about what it means to move forward.  I am feeling a different brand of sadness...something slightly more dull, but not less full.  I need to rediscover my own way.  While still holding him, but also letting him go...how awkward a job is that??

But I keep swimming.  And I keep smiling.  And I never fight the tears...I can do those things.  So I will.