Friday, June 27, 2014

The little things

sometimes, I feel like I have to have the "right" words to post here.  I'm not liking that.  I think of the Momastery blog and I wish I could be as honestly silly and loving and true as Glennon.  Maybe it is just that I am in the middle of my mess, while she is on the outer rim?  I don't know.  I don't feel funny.  I feel angry and lost and frustrated and disappointed.

I tried my hand at the "dating" thing...with a very very nice gentleman.  We talked for weeks on text and on the phone and it was very nice.  We had one date.  I had one single night when I was a frustrated bitch...not even sure I really reached "bitch"ness.  But he severed ties.  I had told him that if nothing else, I thought we formed a friendship.  When he gave me his "fuck off" mail, he told me he had no interest in being my friend...he has enough close friends and had no interest in another.  Which tells me that all the sweet things he said were made up...and or that he was far weaker than I'd even worried. He told me he will no longer ever respond to any contact I may send out...wow.  How lovely and strong and...oops.  I mean, not.

It makes me feel sort of despondent...I say "sort of" on purpose...because the feeling isn't quite that large, but it's there.  And I think of John...and I think of how I felt about other guys when he was alive...and I find myself wondering if I am even interested in dating for real...as in, ever.  I loved him.  Through my toes, I loved him.  I had no interest in anyone else while he was well and with me...I have a strange, deep longing to connect with those he cared about...one close friend of his misunderstood this.  Understandably.  But he, too, cut ties.  The same with this dating attempt did...

I don't know what I am doing...I wonder about moving forward...do I try to be the person John would have wanted me to be?  I don't know how to do that...I imagine he would like for me to get into diving and trampoline enough to coach.  That is not my thing.  It never was...and I feel insanely guilty about that.  And then I think that he would just want me to be happy.  How.  The.  Hell. Do.  I.  Do.  That...without him??

I realize I know nothing.  I realize I feel more strength in my gut than I used to, but still not enough.  I realize that I am better at a couple little things...like cooking for the kids and keeping my temper way more even...trying to model patience inside anger and frustration for them...I am deeply proud of that because it is a huge battle for me...it has been a huge battle.

I grasp at the little things:  I walk the dogs and Neil takes Sammy's leash and we hold hands.  He saves worms.  Or he and Cilly both come, taking turns walking the little dog, deciding themselves when to share the tether.  I have Aiden and Cilly doing morning work to keep their brains keen on school.  It isn't much, but it is something.

I'm still lost.  Still not doing as well as I'd hoped, as well as it may seem on the outside.  But I guess I am doing far better than I could be, too...there is that, at least.  I'll try to focus on the little things.