Wednesday, April 29, 2015

and be cared for

no poetry today.  Just thoughts.  There are so many different kinds of difficult.  There is the wondering how poorly those you once loved must still judge you.  That's a bitter after taste that never seems to go away.  There is reaching for a best friend and companion when you didn't mean to reach, realizing it is a comfort beyond what you imagined, only to then realize there are mixed messages that must be stopped.  There is not knowing what is coming to a degree that leaves you seeing a big hole where the ability to provide used to be.  There is the encroaching of a two year anniversary that is the living black crust that coats your heart.  There is the fact that all of these and more coalesce every day, in a multitude of ways, while you continue putting one foot in front of the other.  Because what else is there to do?  I search for work.  I search for friends.  I search for comfort.  I search outside and in...some of my choices bring judgement...I can't let that stop me.  I have to do what I can to become stronger...as strong as I need.  I have to find a way through this.  I know it will come from inside me.

I'm tired of pretending.  I hate playing games.  There is so much...so many things messed up...I wish there was something to fix.  It's not a fix it game.  It's a live it game.

I'd like to beg the universe to hold me over the edge...the rim
turn me upside down
shake me so everything comes loose

I want to start again

I want to re-shift the atomic structure of me
and the things I carry

adjust the settings
allow for comfort here
alone

the deepest difficulty?
that I keep fighting the losing bits by saying " I don't care"
yet all I want to do
is care