no poetry today. Just thoughts. There are so many different kinds of difficult. There is the wondering how poorly those you once loved must still judge you. That's a bitter after taste that never seems to go away. There is reaching for a best friend and companion when you didn't mean to reach, realizing it is a comfort beyond what you imagined, only to then realize there are mixed messages that must be stopped. There is not knowing what is coming to a degree that leaves you seeing a big hole where the ability to provide used to be. There is the encroaching of a two year anniversary that is the living black crust that coats your heart. There is the fact that all of these and more coalesce every day, in a multitude of ways, while you continue putting one foot in front of the other. Because what else is there to do? I search for work. I search for friends. I search for comfort. I search outside and in...some of my choices bring judgement...I can't let that stop me. I have to do what I can to become stronger...as strong as I need. I have to find a way through this. I know it will come from inside me.
I'm tired of pretending. I hate playing games. There is so much...so many things messed up...I wish there was something to fix. It's not a fix it game. It's a live it game.
I'd like to beg the universe to hold me over the edge...the rim
turn me upside down
shake me so everything comes loose
I want to start again
I want to re-shift the atomic structure of me
and the things I carry
adjust the settings
allow for comfort here
alone
the deepest difficulty?
that I keep fighting the losing bits by saying " I don't care"
yet all I want to do
is care
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