Thursday, September 4, 2014

life swimming is so much harder than water

wow, anger is an interesting emotion.  isn't it?  I mean, I have carried a lot of it since John died, but I will tell you this:  when I was writing poetry as an undergrad, one of our assignments was to write about our greatest fear.  I wrote a poem about being alone in an empty room.  rocking myself.  full of fear.
That does not even begin to compare to the loneliness I feel here, a solo mom of three kids trying to do all this shit with no regular help or relief of ANY kind.  seriously.  Not.  one. person. here. regularly.  to help.  And when i see that, I sit down in the shower with my head in the corner and cry harder than the stream hitting my head...and ask questions there are no answers to...why the FUCK am I here?  why can't I be stronger?

I am so fucking scared of so many things and not a single fear matters.  I don't know how to do this.  I am scared that people will read this.  do not take teaching away from me.  it is hard and I love it and it helps me.  but in my personal life I am so far beyond anything I ever understood as broken all I want to do is scream.  fuck this shit.  three kids??  good lord I love them to piece and they are SOOOOOO damn hard!  How can i do them justice??? give me some love, some hope, some ideas.  I read your real shit.  I love it.  I get it.  I'm still alone.  So alone.  I want to carve out parts of me and leave them to die.  But I don't know how that works.  Yet I don't know how any of this works.  I mean, really.  How did John have brain cancer and stay so fucking positive??? I am so much less than him.  How the hell did he love such a weak and broken person?

I find stop gaps that help for moments.  My eyes twitch.  I get random, obsessive rashes.  I thought I was done drinking too much and I still pour glasses of wine down the drain, thinking "why the hell am I drinking this??"  I don't exercise.  I don't cook.  I don't read.  I don't have a baby sitter to have time off.  I am drowning in understandable but idiotic pain and fear.  I don't like drowning,  I really am a good swimmer, but I can NOT find my stroke here...