I am so fucking scared of so many things and not a single fear matters. I don't know how to do this. I am scared that people will read this. do not take teaching away from me. it is hard and I love it and it helps me. but in my personal life I am so far beyond anything I ever understood as broken all I want to do is scream. fuck this shit. three kids?? good lord I love them to piece and they are SOOOOOO damn hard! How can i do them justice???
Momastery.com give me some love, some hope, some ideas. I read your real shit. I love it. I get it. I'm still alone. So alone. I want to carve out parts of me and leave them to die. But I don't know how that works. Yet I don't know how any of this works. I mean, really. How did John have brain cancer and stay so fucking positive??? I am so much less than him. How the hell did he love such a weak and broken person?
I find stop gaps that help for moments. My eyes twitch. I get random, obsessive rashes. I thought I was done drinking too much and I still pour glasses of wine down the drain, thinking "why the hell am I drinking this??" I don't exercise. I don't cook. I don't read. I don't have a baby sitter to have time off. I am drowning in understandable but idiotic pain and fear. I don't like drowning, I really am a good swimmer, but I can NOT find my stroke here...