odd mind meanderings

I keep looking for places to go...places to hide?
Clouds of smoke
for camouflage
and red cool liquid for comfort
don't do
the things you think they will

give me words
or better
give me touch
connection

syllables and etymology
give me
some sort of
safe guard
a place to hide

But it's effort and, right now,
I don't want effort
Even effort that hides me

I just want comfort.
I don't want to prove myself
I wonder if I want
to find myself
Even though I am not lost

Years of entanglement
-in poorly chosen words
soaked in fire water
-in valleys of dependence searching
the oasis for something stronger
-of a tiny little picture-self
insignificant and too easily stomped

I have had many guides
often in the guise of significant individuals
I still have hands to hold
which is far beyond nothing
yet what I want
is some sort of rock
a stable sanctuary island

It seems this is a job
for me alone
which is an incongruous place to perch
since what I believe
is that "me alone" is
for lack of a better word
wrong

How can you be so deeply alone
surrounded by a loving community

it's the nights
they have this power
to bring together
to separate
to entangle, hide, and show only
soft secrets
deeply scarred

my words are inadequate
my strength seems even more so
and I am overtaken
daily
by the details of which I find myself
in charge

there are no answers
no saving grace
there is just stepping
one foot
another
moving
messing up
reaching out
crying
trying
moving- unhidden,
in a somewhat circular
motion