Inconvenient strengths

I feel beautiful
and less than pretty

I feel strong
and needy beyond belief

I feel old
and so connected to youthful exuberance

I imagine I could not care less what others think
but I am on a search for people who see me

I see power in independence
and in accepting help
equally

I want to suck and suck and suck
the marrow
of not just life but the world
yet
I crumble at the smallest absence

I have everything
in the hearts of three small people
and worry each day
that I not only do not, but cannot
live up to any of it

I am mean
I am judgmental
I am sour-hearted

Yet I am tender
and patient
and willing to believe the best

Irony

How can I search for something forward
when the things behind
were crazy
and bigger, they were
right.

How can I accept such a vast
encompassing
empty
when I am only about half way done?

Pass the carving knife
I need only half of what
I have

The question is, which side
remains
and which goes
in the trash?