Thursday, May 24, 2012

lost


I believe, or rather I want to believe.  I want to believe in the power of love.  I don’t want to lose John.  He isn’t perfect, but neither am I and we are both so willing to work with each others' screwiness!!  He is an amazing lover, but not the best kisser.  He is thoughtful and caring in so many small ways, but not very romantic. 
  
Life is pain and imperfection.  I need to try to figure out how to allow those to coexist with my desire to believe in love, in second and third chances, in hope and dreams….my mother got the house she wanted, across from the park with the huge yard.  And she was a wreck, miserable and lonely.  How do I know what to wish for?!?  I wished for more time home with my Neil because I hated that with each baby I had less time home, and now look at me.  I have tons of time with him, but that isn’t how I wanted it!!!!  Be careful what you wish for, is what runs in my head…but then I get so scared to wish.  That isn’t a good place to function from.  And I feel so lost and lonely.  I have friends, just not very many that I know how to reach out and talk to.  And I HATE cancer SO much, what it has done to countless people!  It is a sickness that has a presence and when it walks into your house, it doesn’t care what it wrecks.  It just does.  And no one tells it how much or how little to affect.  Your track record doesn’t matter.

I don’t know what I want.  I think about Jacqueline in these moments.  And a little about Mike.  I feel the unfairness try to tear apart my insides and I feel disconnected from everything.  I think about my job and how it feels like I was fired, albeit temporarily.  Fired for trying to be there to support the man who has shown me more love than I ever dreamed I could get.  And from whom I just ask for more and more.  Why can’t I…I need to chill with asking more of myself.

I want to lose weight, be strong, clean the house, keep my job, buy a home, reignite the passion John and I once had, relearn to write, remember to read, find a hobby, build friendships, develop hobbies… I don’t know how to do any one of those things on my own, with any consistency.  And I don’t know what to do with the thought that I need those things, but constantly seem to fail at them.

I think one of the things that hurts and confuses me the most, is that I don’t hear my voice very well anymore.  I used to hear my voice when I wrote in my journal, when I went out alone to drink and write and meet a guy.  I heard my voice when I went to classes alone and when I went to work…especially when that work was in front of kids.  I really got to pull the most fun parts out then…and now, they took that from me.  Anything I thought might be stable, sturdy, dependable, they took from me.  I have no support from family, not like people seem to define it. There is love there, real love, but for whatever reason or reasons, helping out either financially or with a presence just isn't in the cards...  I have random spots of cool, brilliant, amazing, loving friends, spread throughout the east coast, mostly, but across the U.S. .. what good does that do me when I am lonely and want someone to drink with, to dance with, to commiserate with me…

I am thirty-eight.  I am still trying to find myself.  What the hell does that mean?? And how do I find the strength to keep moving forward and stop whining?????????