Thursday, May 24, 2012

not my favorite pie

I hate this.  I want to be positive and strong and confident.  And I feel like I am, I just haven’t gotten to that layer yet.  I spent the day calling the Patient Advocate Foundation to get set up to find financial assistance for child care.  Then I called to get set up with an account for getting help with John’s prescription for Temodar.  I also called the Jack and Jill foundation to tell her that I want to take the family trip whenever, since they put me on leave anyway.  I found all our tax documents and tried to organize all our papers that were piled up in the kitchen.
I didn’t call about substituting and figuring out how that will work.  I don’t want to sub.  I just think about how ridiculously happy it made me to take Aiden to my school, where the people that knew him when he was in my belly could see him and help keep an eye out on him, where he wasn’t just another kid, but Mrs. Smith’s kid, the cool and crazy 5th grade teacher’s son.  I think about holding his hand and walking down the hall, seeing him in his classroom working, running into him in the hall and getting a huge hug.  That was the best feeling!  It felt so comforting and right.
I keep thinking about the Princess Bride and the Buddhist book of questions we have.  Life is pain.  The point is to embrace the pain, acknowledge it, let it brighten each positive moment.  Allow yourself to learn to find calm and comfort within the pain.  John talks about how we will see Cilly walk down the aisle together.  I don’t know that I believe that will happen.  I don’t know how to let myself believe that.  And I can’t say anything to the contrary to him because he MUST believe that in order to move forward. 
I don’t want to sub!  I want to not have been pulled from the only place I have ever stayed at so long!!  It wasn’t perfect, but what the hell is?? 
Life is tragedy, it is beauty inside loss, and comfort in emptiness.  I just don’t want to fight anymore.  I don’t know how to fight, how to not fight, how to choose which direction to point myself.  I feel so lost and alone.  I don’t know who I am or what the hell I am doing.  I am so damned tired, but I don’t want to sleep at night.  When I go to sleep, time just rushes forward, and I want time to stop doing that.
I try to think of my mother, of Nanna, and of Cecilia who I never met.  I want to be strong enough to honor them, but I don’t know which way to move.  I don’t know what to hope for, what to dream for, what to work for, what to say, what to believe…I want to be a good mom, and a good wife, and I want to take care of myself too.  I hate that this is happening and I just don’t know why or what to do!! 
I feel so damn sick.  I didn’t know I could be this scared, and still move forward even a little.  I wish I could still blog or do facebook.  It really helped to be able to share these things, and to hear from my friends.
I want to ask why this is happening, but I don’t believe that is a good question for anything anymore.  There isn’t a reason.  It just is.  It is for me to find out how to live with it and be the best person I can be.  No more questions right now, please.  Mom, I just want to rest.  I want to relax.  Why can’t I find a way to be happy with what I have?  I know I have a shit hand, but while I look around, really, who doesn’t?  It seems to be a matter of time, and a matter of who makes the best shit-pie.