Untitled

 I can't find it

Inside
Anymore

Hope

Or joy

I'm bitter
Angry
Tired of trusting
And trying

I see people with cancer
Doing well and should
Cheer, rejoice
But it makes me more

Bitter

His battle was lost
Before it begun
Our family shredded
Leaving me, bleeding
Smoking, poisoned
Behind

I see people finding love
Connections
And should feel so grateful
They don't have to go to bed
3,000 nights (and counting) with no
One to
Touch

I don't. I feel bitter and
Jealous and mostly
Hopeless

Make goals, even small ones
Find spirituality
Do something you love
Find community

I have
And I dropped them
All
And they scattered and I can't
Seem
To find them

Or the energy to keep
Looking

Such a strange, Shameful thing
To be so full of love
Walking on the cooling coals
That once burned a determination fire
So bright
To never give up, to try, to heal, to give and
Grow
So full of love, Jealousy, bitterness, anger,
Exhaustion, and fear.

None of that
Mixes well inside me
It burns my throat
My voice
My hope

a heart going blind from
The inside, a star
Imploding
Walking along on heavy legs
With bad knees and an
Aching murmur along every
Nerve

I can't find it
Anymore

Hope