Thursday, February 16, 2017

straight talk

Healing is so strange.  One minute you are doing ok, then you are drowning every night with tears that wash the entirety of your face and neck.  Then, something clicks without any noise.  And tiny steps seem to spin like a top when it catches the groove.  The next thing you know, you are running.  Like, running for 22 minutes!  And not drinking.  Well, taking (attempting to take?) two weeks off, to allow your body to heal.  And the smoking ended almost five months ago.  Also, sometimes I sweep and mop at night now.  I do so dancing to Prince on wireless bluetooth headphones and sliding around on TARDIS socks, but still...



All this "you" stuff is obviously me.  I noticed recently how much it means to me to do kind things in random places.  I told my class today about what it means to "pay it forward".  I told them how people donated money when John was going through chemo to pay our rent and someone at church paid to fix our car.  I told them how, because I don't know who did those things, I try very hard to see everyone as part of the person who did them, so I can spread the thanks around all over the place.

I also started calling and emailing Senators about issues.  There is a bill to do away with the EPA and one to get rid of the Department of Education.  I keep thinking about the tattoo on my back and how it was partially motivated because I believe it is so important for us to learn from our pasts.  I need it personally and this country needs it, too.  Before the New Deal, we did NOT successfully support the families failing and flailing from the Depression.  It just didn't happen.  We can't just get rid of things and leave a gaping hole.  Aiden sat beside me tonight while I called and emailed.  I could feel his pride.  That was pretty amazing.

I really am trying to "love the hell out of this world", and also trying desperately to recall that I, too, am of this world.  I can almost think calmly enough about living the rest of my life without a partner...in such a way that I see the empty, but also the full.  I see the possibility of imperfection and also joy.  I still believe in love...or at least in the possibility.  I mean, I was swinging around the kitchen dancing with my swiffer all sexy hips to "I Would Die 4 U", so...there's that.

Almost.




**to remember, to be proud of myself, here is a list of the things I'm doing to care for myself and my world, in no particular order, I

  • started donating blood again
  • am also donating platelets 
  • am leaving my phone downstairs to limit screen time and sleep better
  • am writing every morning (almost) when I wake up
  • taking 2 dry weeks to clear my mind and body
  • quit smoking
  • am calling and emailing my senators about issues that matter to me
  • am training to run the 5k Race for Hope 
  • take walks on days that I don't run
  • am reading to Neil more
  • am making sit down dinners with the kids happen more, even if it's just simple stuff
  • have daily "family meetings" with my class so that I can listen to ALL of them EVERY day if even only for a moment
  • have started listening to music that always gave me strength in the past, like Public Enemy and Sinead O'Connor (I know, weird combo.  Whatevs)